Branches
by To Mockingbird
Summary: Kakashi falls off a tree and lands in a different world. Literally. Now he's in a dimension where nothing makes sense—but he's used to that. Kakashi plans to wreck as much havoc as he can and find his way home . . . if he can.
1. Talking to Trees

**Chapter One: Talking to Trees**

* * *

One minute Kakashi was standing in a tree, and the next minute he was on a roof.

Now, Kakashi wasn't exactly normal himself, but even _he_ knew that random teleporting was pretty unusual. The baffled shinobi looked around, trying to pinpoint his location.

"Huh," he said. "Fuck." Slowly, methodically, Kakashi worked his way through every insult and profane word he could think of. After he finished insulting the parentage of everyone in listening range, Kakashi took a deep breath.

"Alright," he mumbled to himself. "There has to be an explanation for this. Either someone decided to deface the monument by removing every Hokage after the fourth, or I'm trapped in a genjutsu. And since Naruto's not in Konoha at the moment, it's probably the second."

Kakashi flared his chakra wildly and blinked. Nothing changed. _Odd. Why didn't that break the genjutsu?_ he wondered. _Tsukiyomi? No, everything isn't red and black, and I'm not being tortured at the moment. _

"Senpai! What's wrong?" Kakashi turned to see ... Tenzo?

"Tenzo, what are you doing here?" Actually, why were any of them here? Weren't they supposed to be fighting a war at the moment?

"Are you alright? I felt your chakra from the other side of the village!" His younger friend's signature emanated worry. Kakashi squinted in response. Wait, Tenzo looked way too young. Weird.

He frowned as he raised his hitai-ate. Why did he still have the Sharingan? What happened to his other eye? The world came into sharp focus as he scanned the surrounding area. Everything looked fine—and genjutsu free.

Sighing, Kakashi laconically drew a kunai. Tenzo stiffened but looked on with wary curiosity. Without a trace of hesitation, Kakashi plunged the weapon into his own arm. Pain was another effective way of dispelling most genjutsu, if you were controlling the pain.

"Senpai!?"

Kakashi ignored him and stabbed his leg with the kunai. He could feel the pain quite clearly. He poked the wound and examined the blood. It definitely felt real. He was about to try again, but Tenzo grabbed his wrist.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"Stabbing myself. Isn't that obvious?" he said blandly.

"Wh-why?"

"I like pointy objects. Now, if you'll excuse me." Kakashi prepared to flicker away, but a sudden hand on his shirt stopped that action. Reflexively, he twisted the hand and tossed the culprit onto the floor.

"Sorry Tenzo!" Kakashi said cheerfully. He hopped down from the rooftop and cast a henge, now appearing as a nondescript shinobi. His leg and arm throbbed, and Kakashi grimaced. He'd been a little overenthusiastic with the kunai. Silently, without attracting any attention, he made his way to his favorite tree behind the memorial stone.

"I could have sworn you were burnt down," he murmured to the tree. "Do _you_ know what's going on?" In one fluid motion, he made his way to the top of the tree. As he gazed upon the unbroken and bustling village, Kakashi's confusion increased. _This doesn't make sense. Konoha looks like it did before the nine-tails attack._ Suddenly, Kakashi froze, and his eyes widened. For the second time, he fell out of a tree.

* * *

Kakashi's first word upon waking up was a ridiculously undramatic "Ouch." He blearily blinked, closing his Sharingan eye out of habit. His head felt like a thousand Naruto shadow clones were bouncing around in his skull. "Why does my head hurt?"

"Kakashi! You're awake." Kakashi eyes focused, and he stared at the person who had spoken. A wave of relief crashed into him.

"Sensei, we won?"

Minato's brow wrinkled. "Won what?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "The war. What else would I be talking about?" He examined his former sensei. "So you're still here. I was half-afraid that you would be ... de-resurrected, I guess. What happened to Naruto and the others? Are they alright? And what happened to my eye?"

His former sensei stared at Kakashi before reaching out and placing his hand on Kakashi's forehead. "You don't have a fever... but maybe I should call a nurse just in case." Kakashi pushed the hand off.

"Worry about my health later. Sensei, did we win the war?"

Minato examined him with concern.

"Kakashi, the Third Shinobi War ended eleven years ago."

Kakashi almost fell backwards in shock. _Third _Shinobi War? What the hell? He took a slow breath to calm himself. _Shinobi Rule Number 29: When confused, bullshit your way out._

"Aha, of course." Kakashi gave his patented eye-smile. "I had a dream of the war again. I was just a bit confused, that's all. I'm fine now."

"Right." The dubious expression on his old teachers face was almost enough to make him fidget. "Well, if you're fine now, why don't you explain to me what's going on?'

_That's _my _line! _I'm _the one who's confused!_ Kakashi blinked apathetically at his teacher. "What do you mean?" he said evenly.

"Explain to me why you stabbed yourself with a kunai, nearly knocked Tenzo out, and fell out of a tree unconscious."

Kakashi looked Minato straight in the eye. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"Kakashi." A deadly expression appeared in his sensei's face, the one that usually preceded someone dying or becoming severely traumatized. Or both.

"Honestly! My memory is blank."

"Do you want me to bring a Yamanaka to fix that?" Minato glared at his former student.

Kakashi blanched. "No no no, that's not necessary. Not at all."

"Then tell me. Look, I don't really care about Tenzo or the tree. I want to know why you felt it was necessary to hurt yourself." _That was brutally honest,_ thought Kakashi, smirking_. Poor Tenzo._ His expression sobered when the Yondaime's glare intensified.

"There was a bug. So I stabbed it, but I missed. Twice."

The silence that followed was smothering.

"See, this is why I forced you to take a break." Minato's voice became vaguely paternal. "You're letting the stress get to you, but I didn't realize it was _this_ bad. Listen carefully, or I'll assign you D-ranks for the rest of your life. You _will_ relax for one week. Read a book, watch a movie, go on a date with Itachi—"

Kakashi fell out of the hospital bed.

"_What!?" _ he screeched.

Minato's lips twitched. "Admit it, Kakashi. You need a girl in your life. And Itachi is the only one who meets your ridiculous standards. She's pretty, at least as smart as you are... hey, she'll probably become stronger than you in a few years. Sure, she's eight years younger than you, her parents will never allow a relationship, and the Uchiha clan will try to kill you, but what's life without a little adventure?" He paused. "Actually, if you marry Itachi, then you'll technically become an Uchiha. Then the Sharingan will only be in the Uchiha clan again..."

At this point, Kakashi stopped listening. _Itachi-Itachi-Itachi-is-alive-what-the-hell-Itachi-is-a-girl-girl-girl-Itachi-Itachi-what-Minato-is-trying-to-set-me-up-with-a-zombie-mass-murderer-who-isn't-really- a-mass-murderer-Itachi-Itachi—_and his brain just broke.

"Minato-sensei?" said Kakashi slowly, interrupting his teacher's rant on their compatibility. "I am going to sleep now, and when I wake up, I expect this dream, _this nightmare_, to end. Goodnight."

* * *

When Kakashi woke up, he was still in a hospital. Grimacing, he tore of the customary restraints that strapped him to the bed. With the ease of a man who had done this a hundred times, Kakashi slipped out the window and made his way to the apartment he had lived in for most of his life. He frowned at the seals on his apartment. Kakashi didn't recognize them at all. Thankfully, they were also inactive.

Deftly, he unlocked the window and jumped in. Kakashi rolled to avoid the spray of senbon and fell into an attack position.

"What the _hell_ are you doing in my apartment?" Genma glared at him grumpily, chewing on his weapon of choice.

"Your apartment?"

"Dammit, are you drunk? You nearly gave me a heart attack! No, I'm not going to give you sugar, or milk, or whatever the hell you need. Do your own grocery shopping." Genma blinked and looked closer at his friend. "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be in the hospital? I heard something about you cutting your hand off with a kunai."

"As you can see, my hands are still intact. I'm perfectly alright. "

Genma eyed the bandages around his arm and leg. "Sure you are. And if you're really _perfectly alright_, then get out of my house before I call the Hokage and tell him where you are."

Wincing, Kakashi climbed out the window. Even his _house_ was different. Kakashi sighed and extended his senses, trying to find his chakra signature. After a few minutes, he located his apartment. Kakashi deactivated the woefully-weak wards keyed to his signature and walked in. After giving his home a thorough once-over, Kakashi decided that it wasn't so bad. Of course, it could use a few improvements.

Three hours later, Kakashi had upgraded all the seals in his apartment to satisfy his war-time paranoia. Satisfied, he pulled out a piece of paper and began writing what he knew.

_Problems: World is fucked-up. Minato is alive and not a ghost-zombie-jinchukiri, Genma lives in my apartment, Tsunade was never Hokage, the Third Shinobi War was eleven years ago, and ITACHI IS A GIRL AND ALIVE AND (PROBABLY) NOT HOMOCIDAL_

_Causes: Falling out of a tree? Sharingan? Madara? Genjutsu? Dimensional travel? Insanity? Naruto?_

_Explanations: _

_Solutions:_

Kakashi glowered at the paper. With a quick fire jutsu, he burned it and tossed the ashes into the trash. He sighed and stretched. He'd need more information before he could make any conclusions.

* * *

After observing several people (stalking), borrowing information from the Shinobi Archives (stealing), and appropriating files from the Hokage's desk (more stealing), Kakashi came to the conclusion that this world was bat-shit insane ... and quite different from his.

For one thing, the Uchiha clan _hadn't_ been wiped out by Itachi and still operated as the police force. The Hyuuga clan, on the other hand, had been decimated by Orochimaru. The current heir was Neiji; Hinata and her sister had been demoted to the branch house. Apparently, the remnants of the clan had wanted to have a strong heir to 'rebuild the clan.'

Kushina had still died, but _Sarutobi_ had sacrificed his life to seal the Ninetails into Naruto, leaving Minato to reign as Hokage. Danzo, sadly, still existed and was probably plotting a way to take over Konoha.

The weirdest thing he had discovered (other than Itachi being a girl, because that took the cake) was that Tsunade and Jiraya were married. _Married_. Jiraya was _married_. To _Tsunade_. What the ever-loving fuck?

Kakashi groaned and rubbed his head. Why couldn't he have just ended up in the past? _But no,_ the universe just had to dump him in a different dimension (or a seriously freaky genjutsu; he hadn't ruled that out yet). All the knowledge he had was effectively useless.

Well, maybe not completely useless. Kakashi still retained all the combat knowledge and additional jutsu he had learned, and he knew the weaknesses of many opponents. Briefly, Kakashi wondered if he could activate the Mangekyo Sharingan. Sure, it caused blindness, but the ability to travel to dimensions was pretty useful when you were _stuck in another dimension._

He'd have to train like hell, though. His physical chakra pool was absolutely pathetic. Oddly enough, the spiritual component was overflowing. Consequence of dimensional traveling? Clearly, Kakashi wasn't in his thirty-something year old body anymore. Perhaps the soul had switched places or something. Hell if he knew.

He would do more research, maybe even ask Jiraya. Thankfully, that old pervert was alive in this freaky dimension, even if he was married. Finding a way to travel between dimensions—with the Sharingan or without—would take a ridiculous amount of time. Kakashi would be stuck here for a while.

He frowned and started making some plans. Might as well make the best of the situation. He could maybe meet up with his no-longer-dead friends, and perhaps even beat up that bastard Orochimaru to make him pay for everything. And he couldn't forget Danzo, could he?

Kakashi grinned. This place might not be so bad after all.


	2. There's Nothing Tree-Related

**Chapter Two: There's Nothing Tree-Related in This Chapter**

* * *

Operation Spy-on-the-Uchiha was in full swing. Kakashi peered down at the district below, marveling at busy street. Frankly, seeing all these Uchiha was quite unreal.

"Kakashi, what the hell are we doing here?"

Kakashi eye-smiled at the irritated Genma next to him. "Why, we're looking for your girlfriend. Didn't you want to talk to that Uchiha girl? Akiko?"

"It's Akemi," he muttered. "And I said that she was hot, not that she was my girlfriend. I'm not _that_ interested in her. She's an Uchiha, for God's sake. A roll in the hay is one thing, but a relationship is another." Genma crossed his arms and glared. "Besides, sitting on a roof and staring at the street is _not_ talking to her. What's the real reason?"

_I'm from a different dimension where the Uchiha were slaughtered, and I suspect _this _Danzo is plotting something like that against the Uchiha. That man is obsessed with them—hell, he implanted their eyeballs in his _arm. "I need an excuse," he said simply.

"Hatake-senpai," said a cool voice behind them. "How unexpected to see you here."

Genma swore and turned around, and Kakashi tensed. Slowly, he faced the stranger. Years of self-control were the only thing preventing him from freaking out and running away.

"Uchiha-san," replied Kakashi, a smile frozen on his face. "It's good to see you again." A flicker of surprise passed over the girl's blank face.

Almost unwillingly, Kakashi examined the teenager. He almost fainted when he realized that yes, _that was Itachi, and Itachi was a girl._ Her features were definitely more feminine than the Itachi he knew, and her hair was a tad bit longer.

He tore his gaze away from the _female_ (freak of nature and shouldn't exist!) and turned to Genma, who was staring at him with a strange expression on his face.

"Is there any particular reason you have come to the Uchiha District?" She raised a graceful eyebrow.

"Genma wanted to visit his girlfriend, and I accompanied him," he said smoothly. Kakashi ignored the cries of indignation coming from his friend and smiled. "We're finished now. We'll be on our way." He grabbed Genma and ran as fast as he could while dragging the swearing senbon-user. Once they were a safe distance away, Kakashi let him go.

"You idiot! You told the _Uchiha Heiress_ that I was dating a clan member! How could you!?"

"You'll get over it." Kakashi carelessly waved his hand.

Genma scoffed. "Just because _you _can get away with anything doesn't mean that I can." Genma grumbled for a few more minutes before he looked at the masked ninja curiously. "Did you and Itachi get into a fight or something?"

Kakashi flinched, but covered it with a cough. "What are you talking about?"

Genma shot him an exasperated look. "I'm not oblivious. You called her Uchiha-san instead Itachi-chan like you usually do, and you didn't correct her when she said Hatake-senpai. What, you thought I wouldn't notice?"

Huh. Oops. But there was no way in hell he was playing nice with the _Uchiha abomination._ Itachi was not a girl, and that was final. "Ah, it's nothing. Just felt like being a bit formal. Wow, would you look at the time? I have to go water my plants!" Kakashi escaped before Genma could say anything more.

* * *

Kakashi spent the next few hours practicing his kata and ninjutsu. Although his body was certainly younger, his stamina could still use some work. He experimented with the Sharingan a bit and debated whether or not he should activate the next stage.

Kakashi decided to wait until his chakra was stabilized and sighed as he started the exercises to increase his chakra reservoir. It was the strangest feeling to have your spiritual chakra exceed your physical chakra. Generally, an imbalance was caused by the opposite combination.

"There you are! I guessed correctly."

Startled, Kakashi threw a kunai at the person behind him. Minato caught the weapon and grinned.

"Nice reflexes, Kakashi. So, what are you doing here?" The Hokage leaned against a tree and watched his student move gracefully through the movements.

"Training."

"Right. Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?"

"No."

Minato shook his head with amusement. "You never change, do you?"

Kakashi paused slightly at that before continuing.

"Apparently not."

"Say, how about we spar? I just finished all the paperwork for the next chuunin exam, and I really need a break."

"Alright." Kakashi completed the last kata and pivoted, facing Minato. He hadn't sparred with his teacher in ages, and he couldn't deny the thrill that raced through him. "What are the rules?"

"No fatal injuries, ninjutsu, or explosive notes. Blowing up the training grounds creates way too much paperwork. If I win, you have to come over to dinner. If you win, you get to come over to dinner.

Kakashi raised his eyebrow. "With those conditions, I'm coming to dinner no matter who wins."

"Exactly."

The silver-haired man crossed his arms. "If I win, I want you to..." Kakashi frowned. What _did_ he want? _Yes Minato-sensei, just help me create a dimension-hopping justsu so I can travel back to my world. _"Eh, I'll think of something."

"Sounds good!" Minato bounced on the balls of his feet and grinned, and Kakashi was suddenly reminded of Naruto. How many times had he seen that same expression on his ex-student's face?

"Begin!" shouted the blonde, appearing behind Kakashi. He threw his hirashin-marked kunai, peppering the field with his markers. Kakashi dodged the subsequent blows and sent a vicious kick which almost caught Minato off guard. The blonde disappeared, narrowly avoiding the punch that followed.

"I'm impressed, my young student," teased Minato, surprised but proud. "Your instincts have improved. But you're not good enough."

With a flash, Minato appeared behind Kakashi and grabbed his arm, twisting it. He kicked the back of Kakashi's knee, and the physically-younger man crumpled, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

The Hokage's eyes widened. "What? A shadow clone?" Kakashi burst from the ground and grabbed his former teacher's arm. Ah, the good-old groundhog trick. Minato scrambled backwards, trying to escape the hold. Gritting his teeth, he used his hirashin to teleport away from Kakashi's grasp. To his surprise, Kakashi appeared behind him, forcing him to teleport again.

"Hey, I said no ninjutsu!" complained Minato.

"We're shinobi. We cheat." Kakashi grinned. "Besides, you have hirashin. I have to even the field somehow."

Minato sighed in mock exasperation, unable to hide the smile of his own. "Smart, using kawarimi to appear behind me."

"Hokage-sama." A bear-masked ANBU operative appeared a few feet away from the two. "You must return to the tower."

Minato pouted, but he awarded the agent with a brilliant smile. "Of course. Thank you." He glanced at Kakashi. "Looks like I win."

"No, you didn't. It's a tie."

"Yup, it's my victory. I'll see you at six for dinner, Kakashi!" The ANBU agent and Hokage vanished.

The Copy-Nin resisted the urge to sigh. Looks like he didn't have a choice.

* * *

Kakashi showed up fifteen minutes late. Normally, he'd be even later, but the thought of eating _actual dinner with his not-dead sensei_ had made him admittedly excited. He couldn't even remember the last time he had eaten a proper dinner at all. Sometime before the war, probably.

"Yo!" said Kakashi cheerfully as he pushed the door open. The wards glowed a welcoming blue as they accepted his presence. After taking off his shoes, he walked to the living room to greet a surprised Minato.

"Kakashi! You're early!"

"What do you mean? I thought dinner started at six." Minato rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Uh, you see … I actually planned to start dinner at seven. Since you're usually late …" he awkwardly trailed off. Kakashi was about to respond when a yellow something slammed into him.

"Kashi-nii!" said the culprit. Kakashi stiffened then stared at the boy hugging him.

"N-Naruto?" Kakashi replied hesitantly. Big blue eyes looked up at him.

"Duh! Who didya think I was?"

Kakashi grinned and ruffled Naruto's hair, ignoring the blonde's protests. He hadn't seen the boy this carefree and innocent in a long time. Well, he hadn't seen Naruto this _young_ in a long time either, but that was beside the point. "It's good to see you again," he said warmly. "I missed you."

Naruto frowned at him, suspicious. "What got into _you?_"

"Ah, if it isn't the other brat!" said a booming voice. Kakashi started, and then gawked at the two people walking towards him.

"Jiraiya and Tsunade dropped by, so I invited them over for dinner too," explained Minato.

"How are you, kid?" Jiraiya asked, coming closer. He reached over to pat Kakashi on the back and was surprised when the silver-haired shinobi didn't move out of the way. Jiraiya was further surprised when Kakashi simply stared at both the sannin.

_What- how-is-this-possible-Jiraiya-Tsunade-what-why-are-they-married-and-alive—_

"Uh..." Jiraiya glanced around nervously. "Did I break him?" That seemed to snap Kakashi out of his daze. _Oh right, alternate dimension. Deep breaths, Kakashi. Don't lose it here._

"Jiraiya-sama! I'm glad you stopped by," said Kakashi sincerely, a genuine smile on his face. Jiraiya was still alive. The Toad Sannin was still alive! The Icha Icha series wasn't canceled anymore!

Jiraiya's eyes widened and he stepped back.

Kakashi turned to Tsunade, also bestowing her with a smile. "Tsunade-sama," he greeted her with respect in his eyes that hadn't been there before. The Copy Nin tilted his head with … deference? "I hope you're well."

Tsunade looked vaguely disturbed.

Kakashi didn't realize it until later, but he was treating Tsunade like the Hokage she'd been in his world. After working under her, he'd gained immense respect for her incredible talent and power (and fists). He couldn't help but let it show through after years of service (and living in fear of being punched through the wall).

When Kakashi's happy grin didn't disappear after a few minutes, Tsunade stepped forward, hands glowing green. She attempted to press it to his forehead, but the silver-haired man reeled backwards, out of her reach. Strange. It was almost like he had experience in dodging her hands.

"Kakashi, are you alright?" asked the medic-nin. "You seem a bit…" she eyed the dopey smile, "odd."

Minato laughed uncomfortably, also examining his student. Kakashi seemed happier than he'd been in a long time. That wasn't a bad thing, it was just …

Scary. Extremely scary. A happy Kakashi was a … well, Minato had never really _seen_ an openly happy Kakashi. He suppressed a shiver.

The next forty-five minutes passed quickly with conversation. On the surface, the atmosphere seemed cheerful, but in reality, everyone except Naruto and Kakashi were on edge. Every few seconds, Minato, Jiraiya, and Tsunade would shoot Kakashi looks.

Kakashi, for his part, ignored it. He knew that the other three ninja were extremely tense and rather troubled by his behavior, but he was too busy enjoying the moment. Besides, it was far too much fun to mess with the three legendary ninja.

The doorbell rang, interrupting their conversation.

"That must be our last guests," said Minato, hurrying to the door and opening it. "Ah, hello!"

Kakashi froze as the four people entered.

Hell no.

_Hell _no.

He was going to _kill_ Minato.

"Fugaku-san, how are you doing?"

The main family of the Uchiha Clan walked in.

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, barreling towards the dark-headed child. "You came!"

"Course I did," muttered Sasuke, sidestepping. "Told you I was coming to dinner."

Wow. Kakashi blinked in bemusement. Sasuke had spoken in nearly complete sentences without angst. This dimension really _was_ different. Well, considering that his entire family hadn't been murdered …

Kakashi was jolted out of his introspection by a frigid voice.

"Hatake-san," said Fugaku, barely nodding.

Kakashi inclined his head just so. "Uchiha-dono."

The murmured conversations screeched to a halt as everyone turned to stare. Kakashi bit back a groan. Did he commit another faux-paus again?

Fugaku looked even paler, and Kakashi hadn't even thought that possible. He'd made a big mistake, then.

"R-right," stuttered Minato. "Let's go eat!" The Yondaime practically shoved his guests into the dining room, forcing them into their seats.

The rest of dinner was an … interesting affair. Fugaku had joined the list of "People Who Are Paranoid about Hatake Kakashi" and was politely glaring at Kakashi with narrowed eyes. Jiraiya was trying too hard to be funny, and Tsunade looked like she was about to punch someone—namely Jiraiya. Minato did his best to be a good host, but his aura practically screamed discomfort. Itachi stared at Kakashi as if he was a particularly difficult puzzle, and Kakashi stared at everyone _except_ Itachi. Mikoto simply observed her daughter, an odd expression on her face.

The only people who were remotely enjoying the dinner were the arguing and oblivious Sasuke and Naruto.

Kakashi sipped his water. Every so often, his eyes would flicker to his two (former? future?) students. It was heartwarming, really, to see Sasuke and Naruto interact without trying to literally murder each other. Kakashi's eye turned to Minato and the Sannin, who Kakashi _still_ couldn't believe were alive. Softly, Kakashi smiled. Oh, he was still going to kill Minato for subjecting him to this mockery of a dinner, but Kakashi was glad he still had the opportunity to do so.

* * *

Kakashi lounged on the couch, barely focusing on the game. Once the Uchiha left after politely declining Minato's invitation to play cards, the two Sannin, the Hokage, and Kakashi had begun a game of poker. Naruto was fast asleep, of course; Minato would kill anyone who exposed his darling child to gambling so early.

Kakashi mused over the differences between his world and this one. Kushina had always been close to Mikoto, and although Fugaku and Minato hadn't been friends, they had always been cordial. Minato's continued Hokage-ship had probably prevented the attempted coup and the subsequent massacre. But Danzo would undoubtedly to discredit Uchiha in some other way, and soon; the Uchiha's reputation, though better than before, wasn't exactly good. It was time to pay that slimy, filthy, piece-of-shit bastard a—

"Kakashi?" The other three ninja were looking at him oddly, and Kakashi realized that he had been releasing killing intent.

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah? It's my turn, isn't it?"

"No…" replied Minato slowly, "it's Jiraiya's."

"I knew that." Kakashi glanced at his cards, and then back up. "Oh, Jiraiya-sama," he said suddenly.

"Yeah?" Jiraiya was staring at him like he was a faulty explosive tag, liable to blow any minute.

"How long are you staying in Konoha?"

The Toad Sannin's eyes narrowed. "A few weeks. Why?"

"Ah, do I need reason to ask?" Kakashi's eye crinkled as he began his flattery. "I just wanted to visit you, of course. You _are_ the great Toad Sannin, the legendary Pervy Sage, creator of the peerless Icha Icha, my father's best friend, and my sensei's sensei so—"

Tsunade's sake bottle crashed onto the floor. Minato paled. Jiraiya's jaw dropped.

_What happened?_ Kakashi's eye widened and he barely managed to hold back a curse. _Oh right. I'm still supposed to be angsty about my father. Shit. _ _It's kind of hard to hold a grudge after dying, having a heart-to-heart with chakra ghost of your dead father, and coming back from the grave. _Had being around friends—family, really—made him lower his guard so much? _Sloppy work, Kakashi. Weren't you supposed to be good at infiltration missions?_

Jiraiya stood up. "Alright, brat. Now, I know I haven't seen you in a while, but I am pretty _damn_ sure this isn't normal. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Kakashi drew upon every ninja technique he knew to remain outwardly calm. _Ah. Fuck. I really hope they don't think I'm a spy or anything. Imagine the utter disaster that would happen if the Yamanaka read my memories._

Minato spoke, saving Kakashi from coming up with an excuse. "I think I know what's going on." His former sensei's voice was serious, but his face had a hint of amusement.

"Well, what is it?" said Jiraiya impatiently.

"Kakashi's having girl problems." Minato smiled, entirely too smug.

Kakashi stared. What? Girl problems? Where the _fuck_ did that come from? That was the stupidest explanation ever! Why was _that_ the first reason Minato thought of? Kakashi glanced at Jiraiya. Well, considering that Jiraiya had been Minato's teacher … actually, that explained a lot.

Jiraiya waggled his eyebrows. "Oh? Really?"

"Think about it. Kakashi started acting weird after he was discharged from the hospital. In fact, his really strange behavior didn't start until after I had a conversation about a certain girl with him." Minato smiled, expression almost wistful. "We all know how love can make people act crazy. I remember when I first asked Kushina out. I was shaking so much that Kushina thought I was having a seizure. Ah, to be young and in love."

"Yeah, yeah. So, who's the girl?" Jiraiya's eyebrows waggled again.

"Uchiha Itachi," answered Minato.

_You know,_ thought Kakashi dryly, _it's really interesting how they're deciding my love life _without _asking me._

Jiraiya laughed uproariously. "So that's why you were being so nice to me. Needed help from the love-guru, eh?"

Minato wisely nodded. "It also explains why you were so polite to Uchiha-san. You were trying to get into her father's good graces, weren't you? Though it's a bit late for that. You've called Fugaku by his first name for years. I don't think changing that now will make much of a difference," admitted Minato.

"You've got pretty good taste, brat." Jiraiya grinned lecherously. "Itachi-chan doesn't have much in the boob-department, but her legs—"

Tsunade whacked him on the head before Jiraiya could continue. Kakashi sighed. After exchanging a look of mutual sympathy with Tsunade that very clearly said _we-are-surrounded-by-idiots_, he decided to call it a night. It was nice being with his family—though they weren't really _his_—but he really had to go break into Danzo's office now, and he didn't want to be late.

That would be terribly rude.

* * *

**AN:** So, this chapter had bunches of fluff, but seeds of the non-existent plot were planted (shoved in haphazardly)! The next chapters should include the beginning of Kakashi's revenge, more messing with people who should be dead, and fainting. Lots of fainting.

Readers, how do you feel about romance? I'm neutral but open to the concept. Are there any pairings you want to see? Don't want to see? This story is mainly light-hearted humor/fluff/adventure/crack, so it should not be taken too seriously.

Thank you for reading and reviewing, everyone! Special thanks to** Zeivira, SadisticAvacodo, FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, miemae04**, and my two anonymous reviewers!

As always, comments, concerns, and criticism are welcome.


	3. Teleporting the Trees

**Chapter Three: Teleporting the Trees**

_Alternate Title: Kakashi is a Dick to Forests_

* * *

Breaking into Danzo's super-secret hidden facilities wasn't as easy as he expected.

Kakashi blamed it on the stupid inconsistencies between dimensions. Among other things, locations had changed. The changes weren't very big, but they were definitely large enough to be noticeable and annoying. Kakashi's perfect geographic sense of Konoha had turned into a "that-place-is-probably-somewhere-around-here" sort of feeling.

He'd still been able to locate places without difficulty thanks to his heightened senses, but apparently that didn't cut it when tracking down a covert organization that had hid from both Hokages since the Third War.

Kakashi had still found it, of course. He'd been in ANBU's tracking and retrieval squad for years. He certainly didn't _need_ memories from another dimension to find an illegal organization that brainwashed children.

After breaking and entering several times, Kakashi finally discovered ROOT's main base. The Copy Nin eyed the wards with disappointment, analyzing them with the Sharingan. He'd expected better than this. Really, they didn't even pose a challenge. Kakashi bit his thumb and began scrawling a counterseal on the wall. He wasn't Jiraiya or Minato, who could probably deactivate all the protections by looking at them, but Kakashi knew his way around seals.

Once he finished, Kakashi slapped his hand on the wall. "Release," he muttered, sending chakra into the symbols. His blood shone blue and vanished. Satisfied, Kakashi opened the door. Chakra pulsed outwards the second his hand touched the handle.

_Dammit. Looks like I forgot to deactivate the tertiary warning signal embedded in the silencing matrix. Ah well. This is Danzo's personal office, and that pulse was keyed for Danzo's signature only. I have about two minutes before that bastard barges in._ _That should be enough time._

Sadly, Kakashi had underestimated Danzo's paranoia. Everything was quadruple-sealed and attuned to only Danzo. Jirayo or Minato might be able to break them, given enough time—but there was no way Kakashi could do it with only two minutes and his own blood.

"Shit," growled Kakashi, grabbing a handful of hopefully incriminating scrolls. Why did Danzo have to be competent?

"I wondered who was audacious and skilled enough to break into my office," said a voice behind him. Kakashi turned around to see the man himself. Danzo. That filthy mother-fu—

Wait.

What?

He stared at the still-talking man.

Why was Danzo's hair pink? No, _seriously_, why was it pink? Immediately, he thought of the only _other_ pink-haired person he knew, and a horrifying thought struck him.

Were… were Danzo and Sakura related in this universe?

Kakashi was suddenly struck by nausea and horror as his mind conjured up an image of a Sakura related to Danzo. Of a Sakura _raised_ by Danzo. A Danzokura. Or was it a Sakuranzo? He shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut at the disturbing images. No. No-no-no-no—

"I see that you finally understand the gravitas of the situation," sneered Danzo. "As you rightfully should. Of course, we can always come to an… agreement. If you tell me who you are and who sent you, I may spare your life. I have a need for skilled shinobi."

Goddammit, was Danzo _still_ monologuing? Didn't the man have anything better to do? Torture children, perhaps?

"All I require is—"

"Are you related to anyone?" interrupted Kakashi.

Danzo blinked then narrowed his eye. "Are you trying to threaten my family?"

"Anyone? Do you have any family at all? Children, siblings, nieces, et cetera?"

"How dare you!" Danzo chuckled darkly. "Trying to use my _bonds _against me, are you? I'm afraid you are sorely mistaken. Unlike most other weak Konoha nin, I have no use for pathetic ideals such as friendship and family. Even if there was anyone, I would not care if you killed them now. I would kill them myself, if I needed—"

Great. A non-answer. Kakashi decided to make a run for it. He had more important things to do than listening to the ramblings of a psychopathic old man—like finding the paternity of a certain pink-haired kunoichi, for example.

Scrolls in hand, Kakashi dashed past Danzo with a burst of chakra, twisting to avoid the Wind Release ninjutsu flying his way. He wasn't fast enough to completely dodge the kunai that followed—four missed, but the fifth grazed his arm just before he flickered away. He gritted his teeth and leaped past the swarm of ROOT ANBU in the passageways, barely making it to the exit.

As he fled the underground base, Kakashi's mind whirred a thousand miles a minute. The kunai was definitely poisoned. He couldn't run back to his house, or the ANBU would learn his identity despite his henge, but hiding somewhere obscure was just _asking_ ROOT to kill him and dump his body in the river.

So, he hid in the last place anyone would ever look for a wounded shinobi.

The hospital.

After leaving several false trails for the ROOT to chase after, Kakashi silently crawled through the windows of the worst place in Konoha. He… ahem, _appropriated_ some medical-grade sealing ink and paper before slipping into the supply closet. Kakashi created a few rudimentary wards for protection before starting on another, more intricate one.

He sure as _hell _wasn't going to actually get treated in the hospital. Other than being an evil, soul-sucking dungeon, hospitals also left paper trails—the kind that created a giant neon "kill me, I'm here!" sign. He could manage the poison well enough on his own

Frowning, Kakashi added the finishing touch to a modified version of the Evil Sealing Method. Instead of holding back a chakra curse, it suspended and nullified the effect of poison. Fittingly, it was known as the Poison Sealing Method.

Clenching his jaw, Kakashi placed the seal over his wound and activated it. He hunched over with the excruciating pain caused by the seal but relaxed when the pain and poison faded from his body.

_Much better_, he thought. Satisfied and exhausted, Kakashi closed his eyes and went to sleep.

* * *

Nurse Fumiko hurried down the hallway, looking for a mop. Another damn shinobi had crashed through the window, leaving blood all over the floor. Being the newbie, Fumiko had been sent to clean it up.

After a few minutes of searching, the nurse finally located the supply closet. She reached out to open it and yelped as the door swung upon of its own accord. Fumiko shrieked when she noticed the man inside it.

The masked man's eye snapped open. "Yo," he said cheerfully. Without another word, the ninja vanished.

The nurse almost cried when she noticed the incredibly expensive medical-sealing equipment strewn across the floor. _Damn_ shinobi.

* * *

Kakashi stretched in front of the training grounds, warming up his muscles. Today, he was going to do something ridiculously reckless and stupid.

So, nothing new then.

Kakashi lifted up his hita-ate, exposing Obito's eye. It was time to activate the Mangekyo Sharingan.

He closed both eyes. While sending a gentle pulse of chakra to the Sharingan, he began to think of everyone he'd ever failed. The list ran long, much too long. He thought of Obito, sensei, Kushina-neesan, his father, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and …

Rin.

His mind replayed the memory of her death in perfect clarity, the moment forever immortalized. The pressure built behind Obito's eye as it throbbed with remembered pain. He recalled the overwhelming weight of despair, the tears streaming down her lovely face, the sound of a thousand birds screaming…

His eyes snapped open.

"Mangekyo Sharingan," he whispered.

The world around him shattered.

The shards coalesced, and Kakashi viewed the world in flawless detail. He could see the fabric of space and time and the shadows of the other dimensions acting on it. He viewed everything in an almost detached state, separate but connected. He glanced down at his feet, and his breath caught at the incredible darkness twisting around his presence.

Kakashi did not belong here.

Resolute, he stared at the tree in front of him. First, he'd start small. Kakashi should be able to teleport the stationary, solid object.

"Kamui."

The world warped and twisted, and Kakashi felt the sense of finality that always accompanied the use of that technique. A single tear of blood slid down his cheek.

The tree hadn't moved.

"What?" he muttered. Then, the chakra drain hit him like a gigantic frog, and he collapsed.

* * *

"Kid, what the hell did you do?"

Kakashi awakened to see Jiraiya glaring at him.

"You're alive," he said numbly.

"Obviously." The Toad Sage huffed in confused irritation.

Kakashi flinched as a fist crashed the nightstand next to his face.

"Brat," growled a familiar voice. A very angry med-nin stared him down.

"Tsunade-sama?" Kakashi asked. "Did I complete my mission? Did I die?"

"Why the fuck are you asking _me?_" Tsunade clenched her fist and the mangled stand fell apart further. "But that's not important now. The _important_ question is why you suddenly collapsed of chakra exhaustion in the middle of a training field, and why you attempted a poison-seal with no supervision _on yourself! _How did you get poisoned in the first place, anyway?"

"It's excellent sealing work, though. I see you used the Evil Sealing Method as the base and added a spiral to help with the suppression. Seriously, when did you get this good?" commented Jiraiya. "I didn't know you used this style." The older man winced at Tsunade's look and nodded to a small frog that promptly disappeared.

Tsunade placed her glowing green hands on Kakashi's forehead. "Interesting," she murmured. "Idiot, when did your chakra become so imbalanced?"

Kakashi stiffened almost imperceptibly. "What do you mean?"

"Don't even try to lie. Your Yin chakra outweighs your Yang chakra two-to-one."

"That's news to me."

Tsunade smacked him. "I told you not to lie to me!"

Kakashi rubbed his head and sighed. "I noticed it a few days ago. I was patrolling on the roof when suddenly everything changed. I thought I was trapped in a genjutsu, so I tried to dispel it. It's been like that ever since." There. Technically not a lie.

The med-nin eyes narrowed slightly. "Hm. Strange."

"Kakashi!" Minato appeared by his bedside. "I came as fast as I could." The blonde man grabbed Kakashi's shoulders. "Don't scare me like that! This is the second time you've collapsed this week! And when I heard about the poison… Kashi, you're lucky Tsunade was here. Don't do that again, you understand?"

"Sure," agreed Kakashi, lying blatantly. "I was just a little careless in testing out a new technique."

Minato frowned. "What technique caused you to lose all your chakra?" said his sensei, voice deathly serious. "It wouldn't happen to be the same one that caused the western half of the forest in Training Field Three to go missing, is it?"

Kakashi blinked. The western half of the forest was missing? Wait, the _western _half of the forest was missing? He'd been facing the east. Damn, he had terrible aim. He'd tried to use Kamui on a tree in the eastern half, and instead he'd wiped out the entire western half. No wonder he fainted from chakra exhaustion.

Kakashi's eyes widened as the realization struck.

_Holy fuck, I have a forest in my eyeball._

"Didn't I tell you how much paperwork blowing up the training fields causes? And the trees! You destroyed all the trees! Do you know how long it takes to regrow them?"

The masked ninja shrugged. "Just bribe Tenzo." He quickly changed the subject before any more questions followed. "Sensei, I have something for you." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out a storage scroll. He deftly opened the scroll, and with a puff of smoke, five more scrolls fell out.

"Tada!" he said brightly. "What do you think?"

Jiraiya and Minato examined the scrolls with growing disbelief. The sannin whistled in appreciation, while Minato just stared.

"There's at least seven interlocking matrices and triagrams." Minato's forehead wrinkled with disbelief. "It's codified for a particular signature and set to self-destruct if anyone tampers with it." He looked at Kakashi. "How did you get this?"

"I stole it," he said nonchalantly.

"From where?" asked Jiraiya, eyes still on the scrolls.

"From Danzo's office."

The other three choked. "W-what?"

"Mhm. There's probably something incriminating in there." Kakashi paused. "Oh, do you know if Danzo has any relatives?"

Jiraiya, still recovering from the _last_ bombshell, answered slowly. "Not that I know of… most of his family died during the war."

"Hmm…" he mused. "Guess I'll have to do a DNA test."

"On _who?_"

Kakashi didn't reply. He attempted to get out of bed, but a firm hand pushed him back down.

"You're not going anywhere," said Tsunade sternly. "Sleep, brat."

Kakashi's eyes closed before she finished speaking.

* * *

Three days later, Tsunade had _finally _cleared him for active duty. Kakashi suspected that she had kept him for two days more than necessary to study his chakra imbalance.

Now that he was out and walking the streets, Kakashi noticed something very peculiar. People were staring at him. That wasn't too unusual, considering that he was a notorious ninja who read porn in daylight, but something seemed … off.

"You lucky bastard," said Raido as he caught up with the inter-dimensional Copy Nin.

"What do you mean?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"Itachi," his friend said bluntly. "That's what I mean."

Kakashi forced his voice to remain casual. "What about Itachi?"

"Playing dumb, huh? Don't try to hide it." Raido scoffed and crossed his arms. "Everyone already knows that you're dating Itachi."

The silver-haired shinobi stopped in the middle of the street. "What?" he said flatly.

"Honestly, you have to tell me how someone with the social skills of a deformed toothpick manage to snag one of the hottest girls in Konoha. And a clan heiress, too! The _Uchiha_ clan heiress! I swear it's the mask. Chicks dig that mystery deal, right?"

Kakashi closed his eye. "I am not dating Itachi."

"Sure you aren't," drawled Raido. "But good luck with convincing her father about your relationship. I don't think that'll go well at all. Before you try, be sure to let me know. I want to see old Fugaku's reaction." The tokubetsu-jounin cackled. "If you die, can I have your kunai collection?"

Kakashi vanished before Raido could say another word.

_Wonderful_, he thought sourly, hiding in his favorite tree. _So that's what was wrong. Everyone thinks that female Itachi and I are a thing. Which we're _not, _by the way. _Kakashi growled with irritation. _I need to go kill someone. Preferably the someone who spread the rumors. So… Jiraiya?_

While he plotted Jiraiya's demise—but not death, because that would mean no Icha Icha—a sound suddenly broke his train of thought. Who would be stupid enough to disturb him? Kakashi wasn't _hiding_, per se. He was simply sitting in his tree, sending out very _very_ strong "approach-me-and-you- will-die" vibes.

Kakashi looked up to see …

Sasuke?

What the hell was an eleven-year-old Sasuke doing here?

He stared at the pale and shaking preteen with bemusement.

"H-Hatake Kakashi!" said Sasuke, voice quaking slightly. "Kakashi of the Sharingan, Copy Nin of Konoha, student of the Yondaime! I challenge you!"

The _fuck? _Why was a non-angsty Sasuke _challenging_ him?

"Well, why?" replied Kakashi after blankly looking off into space.

Sasuke bristled. "I know you're Naruto's nii-san, but I can't let this stand!"

"Let what stand?" He leaped down smoothly, causing the mini-Uchiha to flinch. Kakashi hid a grin. His little future/past student was … _adorable_. And yes, he was talking about Sasuke. He never knew that it was possible to actually describe Sasuke as _cute_ if you weren't a preteen girl.

"I … I cannot allow you to tarnish my sister's honor!" he shouted boldly.

All of Kakashi's brain activity froze for a moment. Oh God. Was this happening? Was this actually happening? Was… was _Sasuke defending Itachi's virtue?_ Kakashi tried to stifle the hysterical giggles that threatened to burst out of him.

Once he got back to his dimension, he was telling _everyone _about this. _Everyone._ Kakashi wondered if he should use his Sharingan to record this priceless moment. He'd always suspected Sasuke of having a brother-complex before the other Itachi's murderous ramapage, but this …

"Only someone really strong is worthy of my sister!" continued Sasuke. "Itachi-nee deserves the best! I must become strong to protect my sister from perverts like you!"

If that wasn't a sister-complex, then he didn't know _what _that was. Kakashi's shoulders began shaking with suppressed laughter.

"You better be scared," sniffed Sasuke. "Cause I'm going to beat you!"

Honestly, why did people always suspect him of being scared? He was _Hatake Kakashi._ He didn't _do_ scared.

"Hey brat," said Kakashi snapping his book shut. Sasuke tensed in anticipation. The jounin narrowed his eye. "Aren't you supposed to be at the Academy?"

The Uchiha kid froze.

"That's what I thought." Kakashi smiled with satisfaction. "Playing hooky, huh?"

Quick enough to rival Minato, Kakashi dashed forward and grabbed Sasuke by the abnormally stiff collar. "Why don't I drop you back in school? A strong shinobi can't neglect their education."

"No!" Sasuke wiggled around, trying to twist out of his grip. "Let me go!"

"Oh? You don't want to go to the Academy?" Kakashi grin grew maniacal. "Should I drop you off at the clan compound?"

Sasuke immediately imitated a ramen noodle. "Please don't," he whispered, absolutely still.

"I'm sure your mother would _love_ to hear what you've been up to."

"No! I'm…" Sasuke trailed off.

"You're what?"

The boy gritted his teeth. "I'm … I'm sorry, ok?"

"Glad to hear that!" The grin didn't fade. "I'll just hand you off to your teacher then."

"B-but—"

"Let's go!" Kakashi and his cargo vanished with a swirl of leaves. "Education is important, after all."

* * *

**OMAKE/EXTRA:** _In other words, this is what would happen if Kakashi went into an even freakier dimension, though this should really be in Chapter Two. I'll move it there eventually._

"Ah, do I need reason to ask?" Kakashi's eye crinkled as he began his flattery. "I just wanted to visit you, of course. You _are_ the great Toad Sannin, the legendary Pervy Sage, creator of the peerless Icha Icha, my father's best friend, and my sensei's sensei so—"

Tsunade's sake bottle crashed onto the floor. Minato paled. Jiraiya's jaw dropped.

_What happened?_ Kakashi's eye widened and he barely managed to hold back a curse. _Oh right. I'm still supposed to be angsty about my father. Shit. _ _It's kind of hard to hold a grudge after dying, having a heart-to-heart with chakra ghost of your dead father, and coming back from the grave. _Had being around friends—family, really—made him lower his guard so much? _Sloppy work, Kakashi. Weren't you supposed to be good at infiltration missions?_

Jiraiya stood up. "Kakashi," said the Toad Sage gently. _Gently._ Since when was Jiraiya gentle? "I know it's hard for you to accept, but you must face the truth. I wasn't your father's best friend. I _am _your father. You may have been conceived in a one-night stand between me and Sakumo, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

With a scream of horror, Kakashi crumpled to the floor. Jiraiya was his _father?_ Sakumo was a _woman?_ Of all the horrifying things that could happen, this was undeniably the worst. Forget Itachi being a girl. _His own father was a woman!_

"Fuck this. I'm out of here." Kakashi lifted his hita-ate. "Mangekyo Sharingan! Kamui-Kamui-Kamui!" Kakashi was gone before they could even blink.

The three remaining ninja stared at each other.

"So," said Minato, completely baffled, "what just happened?"

* * *

**AN: **This chapter did not have as much fainting as I expected. It did, however, have some mild angst and Sasuke. And the mild angst _wasn't about Sasuke! _

Did I mention that I love reviews? I _really _love reviews. I received lots of reviews, and it made me _so happy!_ Reviews put my muse in overdrive, hence the really early chapter. Thank you so much!

**FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, Nyodrite** (who has some really awesome stories), **KumoNoHito, Darkbeast42, Zeivira, , ****Tsukiyo69,** **Silvermist464, SugoiAuthorToBe** and **miemae04** for reviewing! I really appreciate the feedback!

As per reviewer response and my own thoughts, I'll probably not have pairings in this story. I _am_ really tempted to write a (separate) Kakashi/fem!Itachi fic... but I promised myself to keep only two active stories. Ah well. So many plots, so little time..

The next chapter should contain more misunderstandings, snakes, and potential bad-assery. Criticism, comments, and concerns are always welcome.


	4. Tying Stuff to Trees

**Chapter Four: Tying Stuff to Trees**

_Alternate Title: There Are Actually No Snakes in This Chapter_

_Another Alternate Title: Attack of the Fangirls_

* * *

"Um... senpai, why are you stalking a civilian girl?"

Kakashi looked up and sent a scathing glare in the younger man's direction.

"I am _not_ stalking her." He paused. "And technically, she isn't a civilian. She attends the Academy, you know."

"Academy students are still civilians, senpai. They're only considered shinobi after they become genin."

Kakashi coughed. "Details." He waved his hand dismissively.

Tenzo tapped his chin thoughtfully. Normally, he wouldn't _dare_ tease Kakashi-senpai, but Tenzo was a bit irritated at the moment. The Yondaime had forced him to regrow the half of the forest because _somebody _had blown it up using an unknown jutsu. "This doesn't have anything to do with Itachi-taicho, does it?" The mokuton-user's eyes widened in mock horror. "You aren't cheating on—"

A blast of unadulterated killing intent slammed into Tenzo, making him whimper. He tried to cover the unmanly sound with a cough, but he only succeeded in imitating a dying cat.

"What did you say?" asked Kakashi in a sickly-sweet whisper.

"Nothing!" Tenzo whimpered again.

"Good." Kakashi returned to his... observations of a certain pink-haired girl.

"A-anyway, why are you here, Kakashi-se-sama?"

"Shut up, Tenzo. Your speaking privileges have been revoked."

Tenzo immediately closed his mouth, deciding not to risk it any further. He _liked_ his life, thank-you-very-much.

Kakashi frowned as he mentally compared the two shades of pink for the thirty-second time. No matter how many times he did it, Kakashi always reached the same conclusion. Danzo and Sakura had the exact same hair color. And that was very bad.

He'd have to... procure a DNA sample from the girl. And do it in a _non-creepy_ way. The first part was easy enough, but the second was more difficult. He couldn't very well sneak into her bedroom and steal her hairbrush without being called a pervert, could he? He grimaced. Even the phrase "procuring a DNA sample" sounded perverted and extremely creepy.

Shivering, Kakashi wondered about the implications. A Sakura with Danzo DNA would probably have major self-esteem issues, a tendency towards extreme anger, and an obsession with the Uchiha...

Huh. That didn't sound too different, actually.

Kakashi made a mental note to look up original-Sakura's parents. His dimension's Sakura might have some extra (really fucking scary) dead relatives.

On a slightly more positive note, Kakashi may have finally discovered where the girl's preoccupation with Sasuke had come from. Of course, that suddenly made Sakura's fanglirling much more sinister...

Kakashi stood up suddenly and stretched, startling an extremely tense Tenzo.

"S-senpai-sama, where are you going?"

"Senpai-sama," mused Kakashi. "I like that." He gave a grin that made the younger man quail. "Don't worry. I'm just going to talk to Naruto." The Copy Nin disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Tenzo stared. "The Hokage definitely needs to know about this."

* * *

"I hate fangirls," grumbled Sasuke. The Uchiha and his friend were sitting under a tree in the Academy grounds, wallowing in their misery.

"Me too!" Naruto gave a dramatic moan. "They always stalk me cause I'm the Hokage's son! It's so _annoying_. When I become Hokage, I'm gonna ban fangirls. Believe it!"

Sasuke gave him an unimpressed look. "Why don't you just ask your father to ban them now?"

"Cause that would be_ cheating. _Duh_._" Naruto brightened. "They do get me lots of ramen though. That's nice of them. Right?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well, they do give me tomatoes sometimes," he muttered. "But then they try to tear my clothes off, so it doesn't count."

A gigantic burst of smoke caused both kids to shriek.

"Oh?" crooned Kakashi, smiling. "Are the icky little kiddies having trouble with fangirls?" _Naruto has _fangirls. _Again, this dimension is fucking _weird_. Actually... does Hinata count as a fangirl? She never actually had a conversation with Naruto before her confession, now that I think about it._

"What do you want?" Sasuke glared at the silver-haired man, almost growling in irritation.

"Kashi-nii! What're _you_ doing here?"

"I'm here to help!"

Naruto peered suspiciously. "Help with what?"

"With your fangirl problem, of course. If you do me a _tiny _favor, I'll teach you a technique to get rid of them."

"How would _you_ know how to get rid of fangirls?" Sasuke sneered.

"When I was in the Academy, I had my fair share of them. I picked up a few tricks, and I guarantee their effectiveness." Kakashi smiled innocently.

"Well, what's the favor, nii-san?" asked Naruto, looking hopeful.

"I need you to obtain a hair sample from a girl named Haruno Sakura. Think you can manage that?"

Sasuke and Naruto blinked.

"Sakura-chan?" The blonde tilted his head. "I know her. But..." He glanced hesitantly at Sasuke.

"She's my worst fangirl," whispered a pale Sasuke. "She stalks me. She stares at me. And... she compliments my _eyes_. Every. Single. Day. _Sasuke-kun, your eyes are so pretty! Can I have them? I want my kids to have your eyes. Please, Sasuke-kun?_"

The Uchiha curled into a ball, looking rather terrified. "They're my eyes. They're _mine._"

"Shh..." comforted Naruto. "You're fine. Sakura's not here right now. You're safe."

_Holy shit,_ thought Kakashi. _Sasuke's been traumatized by Sakuranzo. _

"Well," Kakashi coughed, awkwardly cutting in, "since Sakura's your fangirl, it should be pretty easy to get that hair."

Sasuke slowly looked up. "Will your technique keep her away from me forever?"

A strange gleam came into Kakashi's eye. "Of course."

"Then I'll do it," he said fiercely. "Anything to keep her away. _Anything._"

With horror, Kakashi realized that in this universe, Itachi—Sasuke's driving force and motivation—had been replaced by _Sakura_. He shook the disturbing thought away.

"Anyway, this is what I need you to do..."

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto observed their target from a safe distance.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Naruto, whispering. "I can take your place."

Sasuke shook his head. "No. I have the best chance of completing this mission. We _have_ to learn that technique."

"Um... if you say so. Good luck, Sasuke." He thumped his friend on the back. Sasuke took a deep, steadying breath, and walked into the enemy's camp.

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Oh my gosh, it's Sasuke!"

"Thank you so much! Oh, Sasuke-kun!"

"Silence."

The fangirls' chatter abruptly stopped when their Supreme Leader stepped out. The pink-haired menace snapped her fingers, and all the girls fell into a triangular formation.

"Hello, Sasuke-kun." Haruno Sakura smiled sweetly at her future conquest. "How good to see you." She turned to her fangirls and abruptly barked, "Bento!"

With perfect coordination, the girls all whipped out a bento-box, kneeling as they offered it to their forever love.

Slightly pale, Sasuke responded. "Hello, Haruno-san."

The head girl giggled. "Aw, you can just call me Sakura-chan!" She flipped her hair coyly. "Did you need something, Sasuke-kun? Would you like a bento?"

He took another deep breath. "Actually, I have a request. Could I have..." Sasuke tried to think of a better way to format his question, but failed. "Could I have a few pieces of your hair?"

Sakura's eyes widened. "Of course! You can have all of it, if you want." She grabbed a kunai, prepared to chop her hair off.

"No!" he yelped, staring at her with ill-disguised fear. "Just a two or three strands will do."

Without any hesitation, Sakura plucked four strands of her hair and handed it to Sasuke. "Is the exchanging of hair an Uchiha mating ritual?" she breathed, sending twitters of excitement through the crowd.

Sasuke almost hyperventilated as the fangirls came closer.

"Circle formation!" shouted Sakura. Like a well-oiled machine, the fangirls surrounded Sasuke. The Uchiha closed his eyes as he felt death loom closer.

"Sasuke!" An army of clone Narutos charged the opposing girls. "I'll save you!"

"Pincer-attack, now! Blonde enemy at three o'clock!" The fangirl regiment collided with the clones, and a vicious battle over Sasuke's body began.

"Sasuke," muttered a voice behind the captive. The dark-haired boy turned around to see his best friend crouched behind him. "Run!"

"After him!" shrieked Sakura, pointing at the fugitives.

The two boys fled, barely managing to avoid the battalion chasing after them. Once they had escaped, Naruto and Sasuke collapsed behind a tree, panting. Naruto closed his eyes and shuddered.

"Damn, Sasuke. Your fangirls are _scary. _At least my fangirls just blush, stammer, and get me food." Naruto shook his head slowly. "_Yours_ have an _army._"

Sasuke grunted.

Naruto stood abruptly. "So, did you get the hair?"

The other boy glared. "Of course I did!" He held up the samples. "I almost died getting them. This technique better be worth it."

"Don't worry, it's worth it." Kakashi patted the boys on their heads, startling them and somehow managing to grab the pink strands at the same time. "Thanks, boys."

"No problem, nii-chan!" chirped Naruto, beaming at the best older brother ever, even if he always did the hair-ruffling thing. Sasuke scowled with barely hidden rage, still upset over the older man's pursuit of Itachi-nee.

"What's the technique?" growled Sasuke, patience thinning. He was only tolerating Kakashi because of Naruto and the supposed fangirl-deterrent the jonin had promised to teach.

"It's simple." A dangerous gleam appeared in Kakashi's eye. "The name is... kill it with fire."

* * *

Minato smiled at Kakashi. The Hokage's smile wasn't the friendly, cheerful one that he was known for. It wasn't the one that said _hi there, let's be friends and save the world! _It wasn't even the one that said _you have disappointed me, but I am smiling to cover up my sadness._

It was the one that said _I am going to fucking kill you, grind you to pieces, feed you to my frogs, and dance on your desecrated bones. And I will _enjoy _it. _

"Kakashi," said Minato, voice oh-so-pleasant. "Why is my Academy burned down?"

"I can explain?" The slouching man edged away from his former-sensei.

"It better be a good explanation." Minato's smile grew wider. "So please do _explain_ why you told my son and his best friend why it was alright to _set fangirls on fire?"_

"It's... effective?"

"Konoha _no longer has an Academy anymore, _thanks to you!_"_

"Um, it was time for a renovation anyway."

"Hatake Kakashi—"

Kakashi jumped out the window, breaking the glass. Nope! Nope-nope-nope. He would not, _could_ not deal with a furious sensei and still expect to stay alive.

He flickered to a nearby tree and tied his hitai-ate on a branch. His headgear probably had a hirashin seal on it, and Kakashi _really _didn't want Minato to teleport behind him and rasengan his head off. Not waiting a moment longer, Kakashi fled the scene.

* * *

"Kakashi?"

"Ah, yes?"

"Why are you in my house?"

Kakashi gave a weak eye-smile. "I needed to ask you something."

Tsunade sighed. "Does this have anything to do with the Academy fire?"

"No." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out several hairs. "Could you do a DNA analysis on these?'

The sannin examined the follicles. "Whose hair is this?"

"The shorter hairs belong to Danzo, while the longer ones belong to Sakuranz—er, Haruno Sakura, an Academy student."

Tsunade's eyes widened in horror as she put two-and-two together. "You think _Danzo _has _children?" _She almost dropped the samples on the floor.

Kakashi hummed noncommittally. "Relatives, at least." He glanced at the hair in her hand. "Be careful with those. Do you know how difficult it was to get Sakura's hair?"

"I'm more concerned with how you obtained _Danzo's _hair," commented the medic dryly.

"Not telling!" he replied in a sing-song voice. Kakashi heard a far-off explosion and winced. That sounded liked his former teacher. Crap, he was running out of time. "Please, Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade sighed heavily. "Fine, brat. I'll do it, but only because I'm as curious as you are. Now get out of my house before Minato finds you. He _is_ after you, right?"

"Uh... thank you, Tsunade-sama!" Kakashi escaped through the window again, landing silently in the alleyway. Mission accomplished. All he had to do now was avoid dying by Minato's hand. He could do it... probably.

* * *

After several hours of hide-and-seek-and-kill, Kakashi ended up in front of the Hokage, tied to the chair.

"Sensei, setting the entire ANBU after me isn't fair," accused Kakashi, miffed.

"Hunting rogue ninja does fall under the ANBU's jurisdiction." Minato leaned back, lounging almost nonchalantly.

"I am _not _a rogue ninja." The Copy Nin viewed his sensei with apprehension. Why wasn't he angry? Shit. It looked like Minato had crossed over from _I-will-kill-you _to _I-have-something-worse-than-death-for-you._

"Perhaps." The Hokage tossed a scroll at him. "I suppose it's partially my fault for keeping you cooped up for so long. Tsunade has cleared you for active duty, so I've decided to assign you a _mission_."

Kakashi carefully opened the scroll, half-expecting a barrage of shuriken to fly out. After nothing happened, he quickly scanned the words and frowned.

"This... this is a B-rank. An ordinary one." The mission was to eliminate bandits near the Fire Country border. Apparently, the group had been terrorizing citizens and kidnapping childre. The mission was nothing unusual or new. And that's what scared him.

"Of course it's a B-rank. You're recovering from a mysterious poison and chakra exhaustion. Did you really think I'd assign you something higher?" Minato then mumbled something that sounded a lot like "though knowing you, it'll probably turn into an S-ranked or worse."

Actually, Kakashi had expected a terrifying, mind-scarring mission in retaliation for burning the Academy. He reread the scroll, trying to find the hidden danger.

"Is there anything else I need to know?"

"Nothing else. It's a perfectly normal mission." Minato grinned. "I'll see you in a few days."

"If you say so, Hokage-sama." Kakashi hid a frown. Just what was Minato planning? After bowing professionally, Kakashi vanished.

Minato's grin grew wider once his former student left. The mission actually _was_ normal. But now that Kakashi was away from the village for a while... he could get his _real_ revenge.

Chuckling, Minato began to write a very important letter. Oh, this would be _fun_.

* * *

Kakashi scouted the area with detached efficiency. These bandits weren't very good. He followed the trail they left and soon found their base. From there, it was smooth sailing. A stab here, a stab there, and voila! Bandit-shish-kebab. He chuckled to himself. Hah. Funny. Shish-kebab. See? He did have a sense of humor.

He smiled at the eleven kids trapped in the cell... wait, eleven kids? His information said _thirteen_ kids had been missing from the nearby villages. Did the other two—Kakashi's eyes widened with realization. _Oh. _They were near the Land of Sound, and Orochimaru was still around. His grin grew wider. Kakashi had finished the mission in just a day, two days ahead of schedule. Maybe he could do some... _reconnaissance_ after he returned the children.

After his mission was completed, Kakashi headed towards the border. If he remembered correctly, Orochimaru had his lab, er, somewhere around there. Damn this alternate dimension and its stupid alternate locations. Always making him do it the hard way...

Biting his thumb, Kakashi completed the summoning.

"Pakkun, Bull," he said, eye crinkling. The pug simply glared from his position on top of the bulldog.

"Boss, where have you been?"

"Uh..." _Oh, nothing. I just broke into Danzo's place, stole some stuff, activated the Mangekyo Sharingan... fuck, this list is too long. I'm not going to summarize the past week's events in my head. _"I've just been busy. You know how it is."

"No, I don't. I'm not you." Pakkun sighed. "So, what do you want?"

"Do you remember Orochimaru's scent?"

"The snake-creep is kind of hard to forget." Despite the casual words, both Pakkun and Bull tensed.

"I need you to track him down."

Pakkun and Bull stared at him in silence. "Ok, Boss has finally cracked. It's about time, really."

"I'm not crazy. I just need you to find him so I can beat him up a little." Kakashi paused. "Well, that _does _sound a bit crazy. But I'm not."

"You're not doing a good job of convincing me," grumbled Pakkun. "Boss, did you forget about what happened the last time we fought against him? He's out of your league!"

Kakashi mentally scrolled through all his interactions (attempted murders) with the snake sannin, trying to remember the meeting Pakkun was referring to. Oh, right! It was when Orochimaru had first betrayed the village. Kakashi, being the arrogant teenager he was, had attempted to arrest him. Of course, Kakashi had failed miserably. The creep had frozen him with just killing intent before gallivanting into the sunset to kidnap children.

"Don't worry," he said cheerfully. "I'm much stronger now."

Pakkun sighed again. "It's your funeral, boss. No, I mean it's _literally _your funeral. I'll find him for you, but you better not die."

"I won't. Trust me." _I've had enough dying for a long, long time. Seriously, being resurrected once is enough for me. But Orochimaru, on the other hand... yes, he deserves to die. Painfully. Multiple times._

With a bark, Pakkun and Bull raced across the grass. Kakashi followed right behind them, a savage grin on his face. It was time for the snake freak to pay for his crimes, past and future. No one messed with his cute students and got away with it. Oh, this would be _fun_.

* * *

**OMAKE/EXTRA:** _Whether or not this is story canon is up to you. AKA: Naruto and Sasuke talk. They also burn down the Academy.__  
_

"Sasuke?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you think Kakashi-nii needed the hair?"

The two stared at each other. "I... don't know." Sasuke looked a bit disturbed. "We never really asked."

Naruto frowned. "Well, Kakashi-nii _is_ a pervert, but I don't think he likes Sakura. He likes your sister, right?"

"What!?" Sasuke blinked. "Wait, you know about that?"

The blonde rolled his eyes. "I'm not _stupid_. Everyone's been talking about it. Of course I know." He grinned brightly. "Isn't it great? If Kakashi-nii and your sister get married, then we'll _actually _be brothers!"

"It's not great!" shrieked Sasuke. He regained control of his emotions and continued. "Besides, he's not _really _your brother."

Naruto looked affronted. "Of course he is! Dad adopted nii-san a_ges_ ago."

"Whatever." Sasuke abruptly changed the subject, unwilling to think about his sister in a _relationship_. "I'm going to try the new technique on those fangirls." He walked away, ignoring Naruto. _No one _could date his sister. _No one. _

"Come on, Sasuke! Don't start pouting and brooding!"

"I do not pout or brood!"

"Yeah, you do. You're–"

"Quiet!" hissed Sasuke, pulling Naruto asside. "It's _her._" Naruto said nothing, eyes widening as he noticed the pink-haired girl.

Sasuke exchanged a look with his friend before stepping out from behind the tree. Naruto remained in hiding, prepared to back up his Sasuke if needed.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura smiled sweetly. Sasuke simply stepped forward, as grim as a soldier heading to war. "How are–"

"Katon: Great Fireball Technique!"

Sakura yelped and ducked, barely avoiding the flames. She looked up at her _crush_, eyes sparkling. "Does the use of fire techniques complete the Uchiha courtship ritual?"

The Uchiha responded by sending a few more fireballs at the girl, intent on burning the menace once and for all. Somehow, Sakura avoided all of them and giggled. "Sasuke-kun, you're so enthusiastic! How sweet of you to set the Academy on fire for me!"

Sasuke stopped as he realized that the flames had struck the school. _Huh. You'd think that the ninja training school would be fireproof._

Naruto summed up the situation succinctly, coming out from his hiding place to gawk at the spreading fire. "Crap."

* * *

**AN: **So... I lied. I planned for snakes and hopefully bad-ass scenes to appear in this chapter, but I got ahead of myself. Take the puppies and fangirls as my apology! Dammit, my chapter previews aren't very accurate.

As always, thank you for the reviews! All of you are awesome. I reached thirty reviews, which means I have a review/chapter ratio of 10 to 1! I love you all so much! (I like numbers a lot. Multiplying and dividing is fun. Prime factorization is more fun. I really like multiples of three and five... those are pretty numbers.)

Everyone who reviews is my friend forever. Even flamers. I _love _flames. They make me happy and entertained. Constructive criticism and kind words are better, but flames are pretty awesome too. I actually haven't gotten a flame on this story... strange.

Sorry about the rambling! Anyway, much thanks to **FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, SugoiAuthorToBe, Darkbeast42, Tatty and Dragon, SadisticAvocado, notBald, miemae04, AenaBuCas **(I will get you your extra, don't worry!), **FlightfootKeyseeker **(About Sakumo... it's a surprise), and **MysteryRiddle **for reviewing!

Also, thanks to _Jen, Love it,_ and _Guest_ for your anonymous reviews! I love you too!

The next chapter should _actually _contain snakes, bad-assery, and an devious Minato. Criticism, comments, and concerns are welcome and encouraged. Thanks again!


	5. Fighting Among Trees

**Chapter Five: Fighting Among Trees**

_Alternate Title: Kakashi Electrocutes Snakes, and Minato is Suspicious_

* * *

A smell similar to dead snakes permeated the air, almost making Kakashi gag.

"Thanks," he coughed to his nin-dogs, thankful for the mask blotting out the smell. "I can take it from here."

Pakkun and Bull shot him simultaneous dubious looks.

"You want to face the _Snake Sannin _by yourself?"

"Eh… yes?"

The pug muttered something that sounded an awful lot like _"god damn fucking humans with cat-shit for brains bark bark bark."_

"I promise I won't die," Kakashi added unhelpfully. He sighed when his companions didn't budge. "You both are dismissed." His last words had the hint of steel that marked it as an order, not a suggestion.

"Right." Pakkun sighed, and Bull whined. "The next time you summon me, I'm going to bite your face off. Be prepared. That is, if you're not dead by then." With those kind parting words, the two dogs disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Kakashi continued his travels through the thick forest, using his keen sense of smell to locate the Snake Sannin.

_Really, they're overreacting. It's just Orochimaru. It's not like the creep's a mystical demon goddess with three freaky eyeballs and frequently reincarnating sons or something. He can't be _that_ bad_. _Right?_

* * *

After a sequence of events involving a forest fire, cooked birds, and exploding ninjas, Kakashi found himself facing off against Orochimaru himself.

"Hello!" The silver-haired ninja smiled, waving at a random tree as he stretched his senses to pinpoint the freaky snake zombie's location. The Snake Sannin was currently trying to screw with his mind by creating terrifying traps and mind-numbing illusions—all while hiding away in this creepy forest. _Ha, jokes on him. I lost my sanity ages ago. And this is nothing compared to the Tsukiyomi._

"Well well, what an honor it is to meet the Yondaime's Dog again," hissed a voice, somehow coming from everywhere. "I've always been rather fond of mutts."

_And small children,_ added Kakashi, keeping a wary eye out for the missing-nin. _Wait, seriously? They also call me the Yondaime's Dog? Come on, Sharingan no Kakashi is much better._

"Oh, you like dogs?" the dimensional-traveler replied, distracted by the _really_ stupid name. "I didn't realize that." Kunai in hand, Kakashi tensed slightly as a shadowy figure appeared before him. He barely hid his apprehension as he wondered how this dimension's Orochimaru was. There was no _way_ the Snake Sannin could be creepier than Sakuranzo and Pink Danzo. Right?

The missing-nin stepped out of the shadows.

What—

Orochimaru was…

"You're normal!" exclaimed Kakashi with relief. The body-stealing murderer looked exactly like the one from his dimension. No unusual hair, no gender changes, nothing was different!

Orochimaru stared at him. Kakashi stared back.

"I have been called many things before," Orochimaru said, a hint of bemusement entering his tone, "but I do not think _normal _was one of them."

"Yeah, well…" Kakashi trailed off awkwardly. Crap, had he really just called Orochimaru normal? He was pretty sure that Orochimaru was the exact opposite of normal. As in, _literally the furthest you could go from normal_. If you looked in the dictionary for normal, _not Orochimaru _was the definition.

The Snake Sannin slowly smiled as he released an incredible amount of killing intent. "Now, what is your purpose here? Did the Yondaime send you?" The atmosphere itself warped under the pressure, distorting the trees around them. The force exerted was enough to make the average jonin completely lose his composure and was more than twice the amount that teenage-Kakashi had faced before.

Kakashi blinked at the other man and simply laughed. "That's it?" he said, still chuckling. "You truly wound me in your estimation. Please, take me seriously. I won't be able to enjoy this if you don't. And I _really want to enjoy this._" The Copy Nin stepped forward almost casually. Compared to the presence of Madara, the zombie Kages, Kaguya the demon lady—hell, even Kyuubi-fied Naruto—this was _nothing._

_Damn, my life is fucked up. _Kakashi ignored the wayward thought and took one more step, summoning his raikiri.

Honestly, it irked him to be underestimated so much. Normally, being underestimated was a good thing. Many enemies had died because they thought he was beneath their notice.

But that didn't apply here. This… was _personal_.

Orochimaru had screwed with his precious students—mentally and physically. He was going to eke out every last bit of pain from the creep.

Sure, revenge was bad and destructive.

Frankly? Kakashi didn't _care._

With the Sharingan open and activated, he grinned.

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes at the silver-haired ninja. He had seen many reactions to his killing intent, but never _laughter_. The Yondaime's student had always treated to him with caution and perhaps even fear—but not disdain_._ Suddenly curious, Orochimaru pupils dilated with the pleasure of a new puzzle.

* * *

With quick efficiency, Kakashi sent a shower of shuriken at his opponent. _Alright, this is just insulting. That's obviously not Orochimaru. _The snake-sannin had sent a clone out to battle with him—and not even one that fought at full strength. Clone-Orochimaru had started laughably incompetent but was slowly increasing the intensity of his attacks as battle went on. _Is he… testing me? How annoying. _

Kakashi ignored the clone's all-too obvious opening, instead choosing to force his enemy back with a combo water-lightning move. It was one he had developed during the war, and one that Naruto had dubbed 'Super Sparky Rain-Blast Jutsu!'

"Intriguing," hissed the fake-Sannin, nimbly avoiding the attack. The clone was barely fighting at twenty-percent of Orochimaru's power, and Kakashi planned to use that to his advantage. With a burst of speed, Kakashi pinned the fake to the wall, hand crackling with concentrated chakra as he pulled back for the final move. It would have never worked on the real Orochimaru, of course, but it was effective on the weaker clone.

"How fitting." The doppelganger sighed, sadness marring its pale face. "My death will be at the hands of a Konoha ninja—a shinobi from the very village I tarred my reputation to defend."

Kakashi blinked at the snake's words, and his eyes narrowed slightly as he tightened his grip on his opponent. "What are you talking about?"

"Why, I only attacked the Hyuuga because the Hokage asked me to!" Creepy-ass golden eyes filled with sorrow, Orochimaru gazed into the Copy Nin's mismatched pair. Kakashi held back a shudder as the snake persisted in speaking. "I thought I would confess the truth to the shinobi who killed me, but I never expected it to be you."

Wait.

Had… had Orochimaru pulled off an _Itachi?_

Oh _hell_ no. There was no _way_ that Orochimaru was a good guy. He was much too disturbing for that.

"While I regret their deaths," the sannin paused dramatically here, "it was necessary to keep the village together."

_Lie,_ snarled his instincts. Without hesitating a moment longer, the silver-haired ninja punched through the clone, dispelling it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" exclaimed Kakashi, irritated. "Did you really think that would work?"

A low chuckle echoed through the forest. "It generally succeeds with Konoha ninja." The formless voice seemed almost smug. "Even if they do not believe me, it is an effective distraction. Unfortunately, the more intelligent ninja rarely fall for the trick."

_Well, aren't you a bastard? _Kakashi blinked as he realized something. _Uh, did Orochimaru just call me smart?_

"Now," continued the invisible sannin, "let's see how you fare against my… friends."

* * *

_Fucking snakes!_ Kakashi raikiri-ed the hell out of a particularly nasty-looking python. "Are you done sending your little pets after me? I can fry a few more if you want."

Orochimaru slithered closer, no longer content with just watching. "Five," mused the Sannin.

"What?" Kakashi shook the snake-guts off his hand and glared.

"You used the raikiri five times. I was under the impression that four was your limit. Furthermore, your chakra is not at all exhausted. Your skills must have improved," remarked Orochimaru with rather gruesome expression.

_Oh wait. That's his smile_.

"Eh, I've gotten a bit better." Kakashi had completely forgotten about his past limit on the raikiri. He'd worked on his endurance quite a bit during Naruto's two-year vacation, causing his chakra pool and control to increase greatly. Apparently, both skills had carried over into this body, but his muscles' instincts had not. Kakashi grimaced. Although his current body wasn't as scarred as his old one, this younger body lacked the edge that only came from fighting a war. And considering that his Mangekyo Sharingan was still unpredictable… Shit. This was bad.

Luckily for Kakashi, Orochimaru wasn't as strong as he remembered. From the looks of it, the snake-freak hadn't made all his extremely disturbing and powerful modifications yet. if Kakashi had his old body , then he would probably be able to defeat this dimension's snake-summoner. Sadly, alternate-Kakashi's body still needed a lot of training before it could stand on an equal footing with the sannin.

_Okay… all this talk about old and new bodies is goddamn weird. It's also hurting my head. _I'm_ not Orochimaru. I really shouldn't have to worry about old and new bodies. Once again, the universe fucking hates me. Dimensional travel my—_

Kakashi narrowly avoided Orochimaru's tongue-attack, jumping out of the way before countering with easily-deflected kunai.

"Are you becoming distracted? You asked me to take you seriously, but you cannot even concentrate on this battle. Maybe I was wrong about you being worthy of notice," taunted the other man-freak-thing, tongue dangling almost suggestively.

"Did anyone tell you how damn creepy that is?" Kakashi shuddered. "Seriously, what was your thought process? I know!" he mimicked. "I'll just come up with a move that requires me to _lick people!_ It's bad enough you're a pedophile, but being a pedophile with a tongue-fetish is even worse."

_And of course I'm worthy of notice! My raikiri is awesome—and much cooler than _your _signature move. Lightning fists beat pedo-tongue any day, _he thought smugly. _Also, didn't I (technically) outlive old-dimension you? Take that! You may be harder to kill than a cockroach, but…_ Struck by a sudden burst of inspiration, Kakashi grinned.

Orochimaru, who had been gaping at Kakashi, finally recovered his composure. "I am _not_ a pedophile!" he hissed. "Everything I do is in the name of research. You will pay for your _disrespect_."

"Research? You can call giving permanently-cursed hickeys to children _research_? You're more messed up than I thought, _Roachimaru._"

Kakashi smirked, and Orochimaru's eyes widened at the name. Suddenly, the sound of a million snakes' hissing filled the air.

Blinking, Kakashi stared at the incredibly angry sannin. The furious sannin glared back, expression darker than his long and greasy hair, pale fists almost trembling with anger.

"I should probably run, right?" murmured Kakashi.

Orochimaru summoned the Sword of Kusanagi. Kakashi took that as a yes.

* * *

Through luck, determination, skill, and mostly luck, Kakashi managed to lose Orochimaru at the border.

_Maybe randomly confronting one of the most powerful ninja ever to exist wasn't a good idea…_

Kakashi sighed and put on a burst of speed. He really had to come up with a legitimate plan. Mucking around with no purpose wouldn't cut it anymore. If he wanted to save this dimension, he'd have to do it properly.

Once Kakashi finally made it to Konoha, the tired shinobi headed straight to the Hokage's Residence, prepared to give his report. With a graceful movement, he leaped onto the window, deftly propping it open and sliding in. His former teacher and Hokage (still not dead!) looked up from his pile of paperwork, irritation clear on his face.

"I have a door—" Minato paused, and his attitude changed completely. "Kakashi! You're back! What happened? You look terrible!"

"Ran into Orochimaru," he replied succinctly.

Minato opened his mouth, closed it, and stared.

"Only you, Kakashi, only you." The blonde began to massage his head, feeling a headache come on already. "I sent you on a simple bandit mission, and you managed to run into Orochimaru?" He ran his hands slowly through his hair, causing the golden spikes to become even more erratic.

"It wasn't on purpose!" _Well, it was… but that's not important. _Kakashi froze as he noticed something. "Sensei? Sensei!"

Minato began panicking along with his ex-student. "What's wrong, Kakashi? Are you injured?"

"Your hair!"

The Hokage frowned. "What about it?"

Kakashi pushed away the urge to hyperventilate. "There's silver in it!" Was this Minato somehow related to him? Minato wasn't his half-brother or cousin or something, was he? What was with this world and strange hair?

To his surprise, the Hokage laughed. "Of course there's silver! I'm not a young man anymore, Kakashi. I'm well into my thirties, so a little gray is expected."

Minato was… old? That was impossible. His sensei was a ball of sunshine and happiness and youth (_YOUTH!_ shouted an eerily familiar voice in his head) and friendship and—

Old. No. Minato was permanently twenty-something. Kakashi refused to believe anything else. The odd color was just a trick of the light. Or misplaced paranoia after seeing Danzo. Or his tired brain. Or _something._

The graying (not graying!) blonde coughed to catch the jonin's attention. "I believe you were about to debrief before you were distracted by my hair?"

"Oh. Right." As with everything else disturbing, Kakashi grabbed the memory, wrestled with it, and buried it deep down. Now that the unsettling thought had been suitably dealt with, he snapped into mission mode. He efficiently ran through his elimination of the bandits before detailing his extra activities.

"After successfully completely the mission twenty-seven hours after the initial assignment, I noticed that two children were missing from the bandit's hideout. I proceeded to track the trail left by the missing children to the Sound-Fire border, when I caught Orochimaru's scent. I deduced that he took the children and chose to pursue—"

"Wait," interrupted Minato. "You're telling me that you tried to track the two missing children, found Orochimaru's scent, and decided to _follow him alone across the border?_"

Kakashi paused. "Yes?"

Minato's head hit the desk with a thump. "Continue." The order was muffled by the paperwork, but the exasperation was crystal-clear in his words.

"I discovered Roach—I mean, Orochimaru, and engaged him in battle. I determined that a tactical retreat was the best option and withdrew shortly after, returning to Konoha eight hours after the fight."

"Good to know," mumbled the Hokage.

"Oh, I also learned some important information. I don't know how accurate it is," _because this god-awful mutant dimension screws everything up, _"but I think you should keep it in mind." Now that Kakashi had met with Orochimaru, he had an excuse to tell Minato everything he knew about the missing-sannin. "You might want to cancel your other appointments. This will take a while."

* * *

After hearing every detail Kakashi could remember about Orochimaru (which was a lot, sadly), the Yondaime could do nothing but gaze blankly at Kakashi. Carefully, with great effort and an aching hand, Minato pulled himself back together.

"Brainwashed Kazekage?" asked Minato slowly.

"Yes."

"Snake-man resurrection jutsu?"

"Yes."

"Undead zombie Hokages?"

"Also yes."

The Yondaime massaged his forehead. "That's a lot to take in," he said weakly. Suddenly, Minato paused and looked curiously at Kakashi. "How did you learn all this?"

"Orochimaru told me," immediately replied Kakashi. _And I'm an inter-dimensional time-traveler._

With plainly-seen disbelief, his former sensei held up the thick stack of notes he had taken during Kakashi's lecture. "Orochimaru _told_ you all this? During your battle?"

"Yes?" Realizing that he sounded rather unconvincing, Kakashi elaborated. "Ah, you know how those evil psychopathic masterminds are. Always monologing and spilling their evil plans."

Minato's blonde eyebrows had almost vanished into his hairline. "How long was Orochimaru monologing? Two hours? Three?"

Kakashi laughed nervously. "He just talked really fast."

Minato frowned. He didn't push the subject, but his expression clearly told Kakashi that this wasn't over. "Alright. Well, I'll send this down to Intel anyway. If it's accurate, then…" The Hokage grinned, a fearsome light appearing in his eye. "We might be able to get rid of that snake once and for all."

Kakashi eye-smiled back. "Glad I could help, sensei. Now, if you'll excuse me." He faced the window, prepared to flicker out.

"Just _where_ do you think you're going?"

The silver-headed ninja stopped. "Did I forget something, sensei?"

The fearsome gleam in Minato's eye became even scarier. Kakashi resisted the urge to shiver. He knew that smile. Shit. He _knew_ that smile.

Currently, he was looking at Minato's _sweet sweet murderous genocidal payback here I come _smile. In other words, the _Revenge _Smile.

Kakashi knew from experience that Minato's version of revenge was very different from the average ninja's. A regular shinobi or kunoichi, if wronged, might punch the offender in the face. Or perhaps beat them up. Or maybe even play a prank.

_Minato_, if wronged, would punch the offenders in the face, then beat them up, play a prank, sabotage their relationships, assign them the worst missions, throw them in a lake, play another prank, and finally hirashin them to the moon.

And leave them there.

All the while appearing as innocent as can be—without ever leaving a trace of evidence.

Kushina may have been the village prankster, but Minato was goddamn _vindictive. _Sasuke's attempts at revenge had _nothing_ on Minato's.

Trusting his instincts, Kakashi jumped out the window again, only to face-plant into a shimmering barrier.

"That trick won't work twice!" The Yondaime stood up and walked very deliberately to Kakashi, placing his hand on the younger ninja's shoulder. The Copy Nin immediately tensed. "Manners, Kakashi. Did I dismiss you yet?"

"N-no, Hokage-sama."

"That's what I thought. Now, take a seat! I have some things I need to discuss with you."

"Things?" Kakashi checked the chair for traps before hesitantly sitting down.

"Yes. Things like your next assignment, in fact." Minato's grin grew wider. "Well, next few assignments, to be more specific."

Kakashi's finger twitched, but he didn't respond.

"I put your name in the pool for Jonin-sensei. Once he graduates, Naruto will be on your team." _And you better not fail my son_ was the unspoken but clearly present subtext.

He stared at his former teacher. This was perfect. This was absolutely _perfect_.

"Oh. Ok." Kakashi was unable to completely hide his absolute _giddiness _at Minato's words. Now he could keep an eye on all three of his little minions-to-be without attracting attention. He'd make sure that this Team 7 would never split, even if it killed them. "Can I pick the other two?"

Minato looked like someone had suddenly rasengan-ed him in the face. Kakashi hid a smile at his former teacher's shock. With this coup de grâce, Minato had forced Kakashi to take on students (which he assumed the Council was still howling for him to do), annoyed his former student immensely, and given Naruto to a trusted Jonin-sensei who would die to protect his son. Minato's revenge would have been flawless… four years ago, when Kakashi was firmly against teaching any kind of brat.

_This_ Kakashi was content—no, _eager_—to start training his adorable team.

The Hokage still hadn't answered, his mouth open in confusion.

"Great!" Kakashi's eye crinkled. "I want also Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura on my team."

Though it seemed impossible, Minato grew even more shocked, though he finally managed to weakly respond. "Kakashi, that team would be a recipe for _disaster_. Sasuke and Naruto would work well together, but adding Haruno Sakura would completely…" The blonde trailed off and winced at the thought.

"Oh? You know who Sakura is?" Kakashi looked at his old teacher with interest. Sakura had always been the overlooked one. Even the Sandaime, back in his original dimension, had only placed her on Team 7 as an afterthought.

Minato shot him a dry look. "Of course I do. I get a complaint about her every other day. The Academy Teachers call her the 'Fangirl from Hell.' I don't think I've ever seen a more lethal civilian child."

"Even better!" chirped, _chirped _Kakashi. "So you understand how incredible this team could be! They'll definitely surpass the Sannin."

The Hokage blinked rapidly. Alright, something was definitely wrong with his former student. Why was Kakashi _enthusiastic about taking a team?_ He hated children! (Excluding Naruto, but Naruto was Kakashi's brother in every way but blood, so he didn't count.) Minato frowned, intent on getting to the bottom of this.

"Kakashi—" A large thump interrupted the Yondaime.

"Oh?" The silver-haired ninja somehow shrugged in a cheerful way. "That sounds like an ANBU agent crashing into your barrier."

Another thump punctuated his statement.

"Looks like it's urgent. Well, I better go! I don't want to take up any more of your valuable time."

After the third thump, Minato grudgingly deactivated the barrier. "Fine. But don't think I'll let this go," the blonde added, eyes narrowing as he scrutinized the younger's man far too innocent expression.

"I don't know what you mean, sensei. I'll see you later!" He was saved from further interrogation when the ANBU operative finally managed to make it through the window.

Kakashi half-saluted the very irritated cat-masked agent and vanished in a swirl of leaves.

* * *

**OMAKE/EXTRA:** _Orochimaru's creepy factor increases exponentially. Yes, that's possible. (This is not story-canon. Warning: Pure Crack ahead.) _

"Aw, if it isn't Kaka-kun?" hissed a sickening voice. "Come to visit me, child?"

Kakashi felt like throwing something sharp and preferably lethal at the owner of the previously mentioned voice.

More importantly, _Kaka-kun? _He had hallucinated that, right? Because the last time he checked, Orochimaru had _never_ called him Kaka-kun. Or really addressed him by name, actually. Suppressing the now-familiar trepidation that came from noticing differences between dimensions, Kakashi stepped forward, Sharingan exposed.

The snake-sannin stepped forward as well, coming out from behind the shadows.

Kakashi immediately closed his eyes.

_WhatheFUCKwhyisl;dsjkfoiuasd;lokdeepbreathsihsdlfloijWHYDOESSHARINGANHAVEPHOTOGRAPHICMEMORYl;sdjf;lkjIshouldjustcommitsuicide._

No amount of brain bleach would ever remove this horrific image from his mind. Every time he thought of what he had seen, another piece of his sanity splintered away.

This was worse than Sakuranzo. This was worse than the Obito-Tobi revelation.

Orochimaru was wearing a bikini.

_I DID NOT NEED THAT IMAGE FUCK YOU UNIVERSE—_

"Open your eyes, _Kaka-kun_. Orochi-chan wants to play!"

Severely traumatized, Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut tighter, dodging the attacks on instinct. He would not open his eyes. Never again. He would rather go blind that confront that sight once more.

Suddenly, an even more horrifying thought struck him. Tsunade was still female. And the Academy had always been very strict about assigning one kunoichi per team.

That meant that Orochimaru was a bikini-wearing… _guy_.

_No no no it's still possible that the Academy made an exception! Orochimaru could be an extremely creepy woman! Sure, that's still damn terrifying, but it's better than the alternative!_

Suddenly desperate, Kakashi asked the attacking snake-sannin the question that had been sprinting around in his mind. "Orochimaru, are you male or female?"

"Oh Kaka-kun, you know the answer to that!"

Great. Avoidance! That probably meant that Orochimaru was a—_he would not think about that!_

"No, I don't know. I really don't." The sannin's attacks become more ferocious. Unable to stay alive and keep his eyes closed, Kakashi's seldom-used sense of self-preservation took over.

"Perfect," crooned bikini-maru. "Now I can see your beautiful eyes."

Ok, that was it. Forget defeating the sannin and saving this dimension.

"Look! A preteen Uchiha!" the Sharingan-user shouted, pointing in the opposite direction. Orochimaru eagerly turned around. Naturally, Kakashi seized the opportunity and noped the fuck out of there, leaving behind a very sad and disappointed snake-pervert-sannin.

* * *

**OMAKE/EXTRA 2:** _Two for the price of one! This is to make up for the late chapter. A few people wanted to see this, and I found the idea very entertaining, so… (also not story-canon)_

After much searching, Kakashi discovered the hidden village of Sound. Except… it wasn't a hidden village. It was a solitary structure.

_The hidden building of Sound?_ mused Kakashi, mildly confused. Where were all the evil ninja?

Stealthily, the silver-haired ninja infiltrated the suspicious outpost, using a conveniently open window as his access point. He dropped down silently, pleased with his undetected entrance.

"Kakashi!"

Ok, maybe not-so-undetected entrance. The Copy Nin whirled around, falling into a battle stance before almost toppling over at the bizarre scene.

"It's so nice of you to come and visit!" Orochimaru beamed at him, surrounded by… children. Happy children. Many happy children.

The cognitive dissonance disoriented the poor shinobi, and he was left dumbly staring at the strange spectacle before him. Kakashi was unable to do anything as the pack of kids descended upon him, giggling and grabbing onto his legs. Dimly, he noted that a significant number of the children looked suspiciously like Hyuuga clan members.

"Say hi to Kakashi-nii, everyone! Remember your manners!"

"Hi, Kashi-nii!"

What was happening? Why? How? What? Children? Orochimaru?

"I was wondering when you would arrive. All the kids were all asking about you. Did Minato send you over?" The sannin sighed. "The orphanage really requires more funding, you know. I mainly need more caretakers, as Kabuto and I can only do so much by ourselves. And since the Hyuuga children are beginning to activate their Byukugan, it's only becoming more difficult to watch them."

"H-Hyuuga children?" asked Kakashi, dazed. So they _were_ Hyuuga.

"Well, I don't regret rescuing the poor Branch kids before they were branded with that dreadful seal, but… sometimes I just wish I had more capable ninja to watch them." Orochimaru gazed fondly at the children, eyes compassionate.

Kakashi stared, turned, and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

**AN: **computer crash + tons of work + traveling = late chapter. I am so sorry, everyone! I hope that the abnormally long length of the chapter partially makes up for my tardy update. Sadly, updates will probably become bi-monthly or monthly instead of weekly like they were before.

Also, I was in utter bliss at the amount of reviews, favs, and follows I received. Seriously, HOLY ZEUS THE REVIEWS! I am pretty much willing to marry all of you. Honest.

Much thanks to **KumoNoHito, FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, Igornerd, SugoiAuthorToBe, Igornerd, TegzTsinelas, Hollownerox, PyrothTenka, sootface, Duesal Bladesinger, Zethsuo Rakku** (I hope you liked the scene!), **Completely Confunded, miemae04, MugetsuIchigo, somilmish, Lightningscar, cyan96, Palomides, SandInTheEye, hachi hashi, E3-FantasyandReality, sleepdeprived91, MysteryRiddle, CheddarTrek, and FujoshiKiyo.**

Also, thank you anonymous reviewers _Guest _and _Vouvezsoir._

Special thanks to **Joncis **for his helpful advice.

The next chapter should have Gai (YOUTH!), the other sannin, a Minato-led intervention, a birthday party, Itachi, and arguments. Comments, concerns, and criticism are welcome. If there's anything you liked (or didn't like), please let me know. Thank you!


	6. Wasting the Trees

**Chapter Six: Wasting the Trees**

_Alternate Title: This Chapter Suffers from a Lack of Gai and an Overabundance of Uchiha_

* * *

Once again, the Copy Nin found himself training in an abandoned field near the outskirts of Konoha. His brief encounter with Orochimaru had made Kakashi painfully aware of his limitations. Clearly, his current body wasn't ready for the shit-storm of ridiculous opponents it would soon be facing. Kakashi was going to get his trouble-magnet of a team back, and he wouldn't let anyone hurt his little minions _this_ time.

After he finished his training regime, Kakashi decided to work again on his Mangekyo. Having the advanced form of the Sharingan would be a huge advantage this time around. (Not to mention the rather useful dimension-traveling ability. After all, he still planned on going home. Eventually.) Trump cards were always nice, but the Mangekyo was useless if he couldn't control it. Kakashi raised his hitai-ate, and the three tomoe swirled hypnotically.

"Sir?"

Sighing, Kakashi covered his eye and turned around. He hid his annoyance and smiled at the rather frightened ANBU rookie who had interrupted his training.

"Yes?"

"Hokage-sama requests your presence in his office immediately."

Kakashi nodded abruptly in response, and the relieved operative vanished with a silent blur. After stretching, Kakashi started jogging leisurely in the direction of civilization. If his Minato-Meter was still working, then he still had about an hour left before his former-sensei became irritated.

* * *

From east end of the village, it was a literal hop, skip, and jump to the Hokage's Residence. At least, it _would_ have been a hop, skip, and jump—had a giant hand not suddenly snatched Kakashi out of the sky.

"Jiraiya-sama," he carefully greeted. Kakashi plastered a smile onto his face as he shifted uncomfortably. The Sannin had grabbed Kakashi by his vest, hoisting him into the air like a disobedient puppy.

"Kakashi," grumbled back Jiraiya. The older man made no move to set Kakashi down. Instead, he glared at his student's student with a mixture of suspicion, irritation, and exasperation.

Passerby gawked at the strange sight on the rooftop. Several stopped and openly stared. Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi even noticed several poorly-concealed ANBU agents watching with fascination. Great. Now they were making a scene.

He discreetly glanced at the sun's position and frowned. Kakashi was already two hours late to his meeting with Minato, and even his former teacher had limits to how long he was willing to wait.

"Although I _am_ happy to see you, I really have to meet with Minato-sensei," Kakashi hinted.

"What a coincidence." Jiraiya's eyes narrowed. "I've got a scroll for him. You can deliver it to him for me, right?"

"Uh… the meeting's urgent," he hedged. "I don't think I have—"

"Oh, shut up." Jiraiya began dragging his grand-student across the rooftops, heading in the opposite direction of the Residence. Kakashi tensed slightly, prepared to make a run for it. "And if you escape—or even try to," the Toad Sannin added, "I'll tell Tsunade to catch you up on your medical checkups. _All_ of them."

Sullenly, Kakashi crossed his arms and acquiesced.

Once they arrived at Jiraiya's home, the Sannin unceremoniously dumped Kakashi on the floor. Jiraiya ran through several seals, and the house glowed with the light of chakra as the complicated seals activated.

"Here, brat." Jiraiya handed Kakashi an oddly-familiar scroll. _Wait… this is one of the scrolls from Danzo's hideout._ Gingerly, he opened the scroll, admiring the careful counter-sealing etched on the paper.

"Oh, and take these too." The Sannin tossed Kakashi eight more scrolls. The younger shinobi snagged them out of the air with nonchalance.

"What are these?" he asked as he examined the unfamiliar scrolls.

"Those are some of Danzo's other scrolls," answered Jiraiya. The older man looked mildly surprised when he noticed Kakashi's blank expression. "What, you didn't hear about that?" Jiraiya paused and answered his own question. "Never mind. You were on that mission. Anyway, Minato and I were working on decoding the sealing arrays on Danzo's scroll. When we finally unlocked the scrolls, we found out that… Danzo hadn't disbanded ROOT."

Kakashi tried to act shocked. "What? ROOT's still active? What a surprise!"

Jiraiya frowned with suspicion and stared at Kakashi for a solid minute. Kakashi suppressed the urge to fidget and instead kept his expression of false surprise. Finally, Jiraiya resumed speaking.

"As you can guess, Minato threw a fit and shut everything down. Or at least, he tried to. We still aren't sure how deep ROOT's roots are." The Sannin snickered once before continuing. "Danzo's been arrested, thankfully. He's with T&I right now, but the senile bastard hasn't cracked yet. So _I _have the wonderful task of unsealing all the geezer's scrolls!" Jiraiya angrily gestured to the giant pile of papers behind him.

Kakashi felt slightly apprehensive. "While I appreciate you telling me all this… why _are_ you telling me all this?" _Isn't Minato-sensei supposed to brief me?_

Jiraiya smiled savagely. "You got me into this mess. You're going get me out of it. I talked to Minato, and he agreed to give you the _honor _of assisting me. Isn't that great? You get to be my personal slave!"

"Uh…" Kakashi backed away. "I'm a bit busy right now. I promised to help an old lady with her groceries."

"Dismantling an illegal splinter faction is more important than groceries." Jiraiya dismissed the excuse. "In fact, it's _so_ important that we should get started _right now_."

The Toad Sannin cackled when Kakashi's face turned the same color as his hair. With sadistic glee, Jiraiya threw several more scrolls at the younger shinobi. Now looking rather swamped under all the paper, Kakashi tried again, this time using a more legitimate reason.

"But Minato-sensei and the meeting…"

"I already sent a toad. He knows where you are." Jiraiya glanced expectantly at Kakashi. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Sighing heavily, Kakashi sat at the table and began the tedious work of unsealing each of Danzo's scrolls. Sadly, each seal was unique and required a completely different counterseal. He methodically began the long process, first analyzing the matrices before working the triagrams. Kakashi repeated the procedure several times, soon losing himself in the monotonous task.

"What are you doing?" Jiraiya's harsh voice cut through his concentration.

Kakashi froze, brush hovering above the paper.

"I'm unsealing the scroll."

"Give me that!" Jiraiya grabbed the previously mentioned artifact and scrutinized the drawn symbols, studying the ink with intensity. After a few seconds, he handed the paper back to Kakashi with mild surprise. "Huh. You _were_ unsealing the scroll."

"Obviously." Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What did you think I was doing?"

"It's just that... your methods are so strange." Jiraiya frowned. "Why are you using _that_ method?"

The Hatake shrugged, suddenly self-conscious and a little nervous. _For some reason, my sealing has made Jiraiya even more suspicious. Dammit. I was planning on asking him about the Akatsuki, but that will only make things worse. _Hiding his discomfort, Kakashi ducked his head and continued with the counterseals.

* * *

Minato grinned when he saw a miffed Kakashi enter his office with a bundle of scrolls.

"I see that you've finished decoding the second batch of scrolls. Excellent!"

Kakashi simply glared at the smug blonde—who looked as pleased as a toad with a particularly obese fly. Minato was a firm believer in the adage about revenge and cold food. Except Minato also believed in serving _that_ dish repeatedly.

"Is there anything _else_ you needed?" _Any other acts of retribution you wish to carry out? This is payback for the Academy, isn't it. _

"Hmm…" The Yondaime pretended to think about it. "Actually, yes. Itachi's birthday is in a week."

The inter-dimensional traveler blinked. "So?"

"You're coming to the birthday party."

Kakashi nearly dropped the scrolls onto the floor. "_What!?_" Carefully, he set the delicate pieces of parchment on Minato's desk. Then, he continued. "Why hell would I go to _Itachi's _birthday party?" _The words _birthday party, Itachi, _and_ me _should never be in the same sentence. Ever. _"Besides, don't the Uchiha elders hate me?"

Minato scoffed. "Who cares what they think? Their opinion is irrelevant. You were Itachi's captain in ANBU, you'll be Sasuke's jonin-sensei in a few weeks, _and_ you were my apprentice. If you can't attend the party, then no one can." Kakashi knew from experience that the last sentence was no idle threat. Fuck. Now he couldn't even use the elders as an excuse.

The blonde's grin grew wider. "Why aren't you excited? Don't you want a chance to woo Itachi-chan?"

_No. No, I am not_ _excited. I will _never_ be excited for a chance to woo Itachi. I don't even want to _think_ about it._

The Yondaime almost pouted. "Come on, Kashi! It'll be fun! The celebration requires formal attire, so you can wear a kimono. I'm sure a certain _someone_ will be really impressed. Girls love kimonos!"

Kakashi's visible eye twitched slightly. _Formal wear? Fuck no._

"Please?" Minato's eyes grew wide, and the Copy Nin was oddly reminded of Naruto begging for ramen. Kakashi coughed and tried to change the subject away from Itachi—anything to distract his former sensei.

"So, I heard that ROOT wasn't disbanded."

Minato's expression immediately grew sober, and Kakashi felt slightly guilty for ruining the cheerful atmosphere. Then he remembered that Minato was trying to _set him up with Itachi, _and the guilt disappeared.

"Correct," said the blonde. "Danzo has been running ROOT right under our noses." The Hokage sighed, looking several years older. "And the methods he used to train them…" Minato's fists clenched, and Kakashi caught a glimpse of thunderous fury on the normally cheerful man's face.

The silver-haired shinobi felt a shiver run down his spine. _I'd hate to be Danzo right now. Well, I'd hate to be Danzo at any time, but I would hate especially hate to be him right now. _Minato had been the one to raise the Academy graduation age—and he had always been a firm advocate for letting children be children, something that had always annoyed the younger, stick-up-his-ass Kakashi. Danzo was _literally_ ruining childhood and basically stood for the opposite of everything Minato believed in.

With casual, totally-not-planned indifference, Kakashi examined one of the scrolls. "Did you encounter an operative named Sai?" Ok, that wasn't even _close_ to subtle. Oops. _I blame Minato for my occasional flashiness and lack of tact._

Startled, the Yondaime looked up. "Actually, I did. The twelve year old…" Minato trailed off. "How do you know about him?"

"You should definitely assign him as Tenzo's apprentice," said Kakashi, ignoring his ex-sensei's question. "Sai needs someone slightly stable, and a student will help Tenzo become less… Tenzo. Also, they both have really weird abilities. They're perfect for each other!"

Minato blinked once. "Huh. You're right." He scribbled a note down before redoubling his glare. "But that's beside the point. Answer the question, Kakashi."

"It's because of Orochimaru," he replied smoothly. "He was working with Danzo, and he told me about ROOT." _When in trouble, blame Orochimaru. It's not a shinobi rule, but it should be one. Maybe I should petition for it to be added as a sub-clause for Rule 29._

The Hokage looked a bit confused as he pondered Kakashi's answer. "But didn't you discover ROOT _before_ you met with Orochimaru?"

There was a beat of awkward silence.

"Maybe?"

"Kakashi…" A hint of warning entered Minato's voice. "I have a feeling that you aren't being entirely honest about this Orochimaru situation."

Kakashi winced. _But speaking of Orochimaru and honesty… _

The Copy Nin had been brooding over the Snake Sannin's words in the forest—specifically, the ones about the Hyuuga. He had dismissed the claim initially, but after returning to the village and doing some research, Kakashi had found some discrepancies in the village records. _Oh, to hell with subtlety. Ninjas don't really need to be subtle. _

"When I was fighting against Orochimaru," Kakashi said slowly, "he also mentioned something about the Hyuuga." For once, this was something that the Snake Sannin had _actually_ said. "Sensei, did Orochimaru massacre the Hyuuga clan on orders from the village?"

A pause that lasted a moment too long. Then, an overly-bright smile.

"Of course not! That's ridiculous!"

_Lie._

"Yeah, that's what I thought," murmured Kakashi. He averted his eyes and stared at the toad figurine on the Hokage's desk. "I should probably go now. Jiraiya-sama is waiting for me."

Minato glanced down at his papers, a mixture of emotions clouding his bright blue eyes. Kakashi didn't wait for a response.

* * *

Partly out of misplaced guilt and fear of continued retribution, the Copy Nin _did _end up going to Itachi's party. In a kimono.

"Kashi-nii," whined Naruto, "why do I need to wear this stupid dress?"

Well, at least he didn't have to suffer alone.

"Because of the Uchiha," he replied shortly. Everything bad could be traced back to the Uchiha.

Naruto groaned. "But it's so _stupid!"_

"You mentioned that already."

The blonde crossed his arms and groaned. "This party's boring. Where's Sasuke? I looked _everywhere _for him!"

"He's by the pillar next to the third table."

"Oh." Naruto squinted. "You're right! Thanks, Kashi-nii!" The boy sprinted to Sasuke, loudly shouting his friend's name.

Kakashi smiled with mild exasperation. Naruto was apparently obnoxious and noisy in _every_ dimension. Finally alone, Kakashi did his best to blend into the background. He'd managed to avoid socializing with everyone but Naruto, and he intended to keep it that way.

Then he noticed Asuma standing in the corner, chatting to some unimportant shinobi.

Well, Kakashi supposed he could make an exception for dead-but-not-dead friends. He quietly made his way to the bearded jonin, waiting until Asuma's conversation was over before catching the man's attention.

"Kakashi!" exclaimed the Sarutobi. "You're here! And… in a kimono."

"Yes." Kakashi grinned and reached out to briefly clasp Asuma's arm—partly as a friendly gesture, partly to reassure himself that Asuma was actually real. "I missed you," he said warmly. _Try not to die again, ok? _

Asuma blanched. "What happened? Did someone die? Are _you_ going to die? Oh God. What's wrong? Tell me, Kakashi!"

Kakshi quirked an eyebrow. "Nothing's wrong. Nobody died." _Why does everyone freak out when I express emotion? Is it really that unusual? _Kakashi thought about it for a moment. _Never mind__._

"But… but you…" The other main flailed as he searched for words. The inter-dimensional traveler rolled his eyes.

"Where's Kurenai?" asked Kakashi, changing subjects before his friend suffered from an aneurysm.

Asuma's eyes widened, caught off guard by the sudden shift in topics. "She's on a mission. Why?"

"You should marry her," he advised.

Asuma almost swallowed his unlit cigarrete. He choked, nearly falling over as he hacked and coughed. "Where the _fuck_ did that come from?" wheezed Asuma.

_You were planning on marrying her anyway. You two didn't get a chance in my dimension, and that's something Kurenai always regretted. _Kakashi stared blandly at the former Hokage's son. "Asuma, even _I _noticed your relationship with her. I think it's time to ask her the big question."

The other jonin's jaw dropped, and he gaped at the nonchalant shinobi. Desperate to end the conversation, Asuma searched wildly for a diversion. "Itachi-san!" he called out, noticing that the kunoichi was alone by the refreshments. The Uchiha heiress turned and made her way to the two ninja standing at the back.

_Why!? Why is this happening? I do _not_ want to associate with female-Itachi! Being seen together will only make things worse!_

"Sarutobi-san," greeted Itachi. Her eyes flickered to Kakashi. "Hatake-senpai."

"Uchiha-san," Kakashi replied stiffly. Asuma glanced at his friend with surprise. The atmosphere between the two former teammates was awkward and definitely not normal. Asuma didn't know if the rumors were true… but something had certainly changed.

The uncomfortable silence continued. "Uh… happy birthday, Itachi-san." Asuma had already said it to her before, but he said it again to break the tense mood.

"Yes." Kakashi looked away. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you." Itachi fixed Kakashi with a piercing gaze. Kakashi did his best to ignore her.

"If you'll excuse me," the silver-haired shinobi said abruptly. He walked away, leaving the Uchiha and Sarutobi to stare after him. The remaining two stood in silence for a few moments.

Asuma looked back at Itachi. "If you don't mind me asking… what happened?"

Itachi shrugged almost hopelessly. "I do not know."

* * *

In the meantime, Kakashi hid in the corner of the room, nursing a glass of wine. _Why did I ever think socializing was a good idea? Talking to people always causes problems._

"Are you enjoying the party?" A mellow voice interrupted his introspection.

_No! _"Of course." Kakashi smiled and inclined his head. "Uchiha-dono."

The Uchiha matriarch smiled as well. "Mikoto is fine."

Kakashi nodded absently as he furtively searched for an escape route.

"Have you tried the refreshments?"

"Yes. The wine is excellent." The jonin began inching away from the retired kunoichi.

"I agree. My husband was the one to choose the selection." Mikoto laughed lightly. "Believe it or not, he also choose Itachi's kimono. It looks beautiful on her, don't you think?"

"…I suppose."

A frightening gleam came into the Uchiha's eyes. _Shit._

"I am glad to hear that," said Mikoto, satisfaction bleeding into her tone.

He gulped. "Uh, it was nice talking to you!" Kakashi took the opportunity to escape. Nothing good ever happened when an Uchiha had that expression. He knew that all too well.

Kakashi decided to head to the gardens—most of the people were still inside, mingling and fraternizing. He should be safe outdoors. Kakashi immediately relaxed when he reached the elegant grounds. There was a reason he hated parties; all those people made him feel cornered and jittery. Kakashi leaned against a large oak tree with relief, relishing the relative quiet. Now, if only he had his _Icha Icha_…

"No, I hate _you!"_ shrieked a familiar voice. Kakashi immediately tensed, and the pleasant feeling evaporated. _That was Naruto. What happened? _Kakashi felt slivers of panic creep into his heart. _Did Sasuke suddenly become murderous? It's a bit early and entirely unexpected, but who knows what goes on in that kid's mind?_

Kakashi's eyes narrowed as Naruto burst out from the bushes with tears running down his cheeks.

"Naruto, what's wrong?" Kakashi's hand went to his hidden kunai.

The blonde immediately changed directions and ran towards Kakashi. He latched onto the jonin, burying his face into the kimono. Kakashi awkwardly patted the boy's head, unsure of how to offer comfort.

"I-it's Sasuke," hiccuped Naruto. _Of course. It's always Sasuke. _

"What did Sasuke do?" _Please don't tell me he tried to kill you._

"He… he said he wasn't my friend anymore!" Naruto shouted. "I was talking 'bout you and how you were going to marry Itachi and Sasuke got mad and he said you were stupid so I got mad and said you weren't stupid but then Sasuke said he hated me and I punched him and he punched me so I kicked him and he ran away and I did too!"

_Oh. That's… better than I expected. But I still don't know what to do._

He hugged Kakashi tighter. "I'm sorry, nii-chan! I just got mad cause he was being mean so I—"

"Breathe," ordered Kakashi. "And relax. It's not your fault."

Naruto's sobs slowly subsided. Kakashi watched with mild fascination as the bruise on the boy's cheek began to fade. He ruffled Naruto's hair before picking the kid up and carrying him inside, ignoring the squirming boy's protests. Kakashi would give him to Minato. Minato would know what to do. Crying kids were _not_ Kakashi's forte.

Kakashi stopped in his tracks when he realized something terrible.

_Naruto and Sasuke hate each other now. Aw, fuck! Does this mean I have a dysfunctional Team 7 again?_

* * *

**AN: **I actually have the scene with Gai all written out, but it didn't mesh well with this chapter. Aargh, sorry! I don't try to mislead readers on purpose! My previews really are inaccurate; I copy-and-paste from my outline, but I apparently underestimate the length of each scene.

_Branches _has reached several milestones! It has over 100 favorites, and 200 follows! (It's also over 50 pages long, which is the most I've ever written for a story.) Thank you, everyone!

Thanks to **FujoshiKiyo, Poppy Grave Dreams, Palomides, SugoiAuthorToBe, Igornerd, GlaresThatKill, Completely Confunded, 1000 Faces of Pain, Zethsuo Rakku, Burai Stelar, TegzTsinelas, FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, Lightningscar, Darkbeast42, sootface, PyrothTenka, SandInTheEye, Jumpingbeans480, Hakazu, darkerdeepdown, x-Taiiwo-x, haphazard1, mayday237892,** and **Viridian** for reviewing! Your reviews make my day brighter. They really do. Also, thank you anonymous reviewers _cyan96, guest, _and_ vouvesoir._

A huge shout-out to **Whispering Darkness**! Thanks for recommending this story! Her/his oneshot _The__ life and times of Hatake Kakashi, nukenin _features a dimensional-traveling nukenin Kakashi. It's pretty awesome.

So... this chapter tied up some loose ends and introduced some new ones. Don't worry, we haven't seen the last of Danzo. He isn't defeated that easily.

The next chapter should include Gai (TRUTHFULLY AND YOUTHFULLY), the intervention, and... either Itachi or Team 7. Maybe both. I'm not really sure, to be honest. We're almost at the start of "canon!" Team 7 adventures, here we go! (Dimension-hopping Kakashi, Sakuranzo, stable/well-adjusted Sasuke, and a Naruto taught by the Yondaime. On one team. Yup.)

As always, comments, criticism, and concerns are encouraged.


	7. Burning the Trees

**Chapter Seven: Burning the Trees**

_Alternate Title: Finally Gai! And More Misunderstandings._

* * *

The inter-dimensional traveler leapt across the rooftops, intent on getting home as soon as possible. He really needed a long, hot shower—

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL!"

Well, there went his plans for relaxation.

Tears streamed down Gai's face as he barreled towards Kakashi. "I HAVE RETURNED!" His smile gleamed bright enough to blind—dazzling in its luminescence, more radiant than a thousand suns burning with Springtime.

As usual, Gai swept Kakashi into a hug, intent on sharing his Youthful Affection for his Rival.

And Gai almost dropped him when _Kakashi returned the gesture._

Sure, the hug was brief, but Kakashi _allowed_ it. He did not use kawarimi, shunshin, or some other technique. He did not disappear, act indifferent, or try to avoid the attack—er, hug. For Youth's sake, Kakashi didn't even sigh in barely concealed irritation!

Slowly, Gai set Kakashi down and grabbed his shoulders, peering at his friend.

"My Eternal Rival," said Gai carefully, volume closer to a normal person's, "Are you alright?"

"Of course." Kakashi smiled, eye crinkling in genuine happiness. Though Kakashi would never admit it out loud, Gai was one of his closest friends. An exuberant (if mildly disturbed) Gai—compared to the crippled one who had nearly sacrificed his life to save the world—was a joy to see.

"Has some Discontent from the depths of Winter struck you?" The taijutsu master eyed his friend with suspicion.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Kakashi blinked as he got a closer look at his friend. Now that he was no longer overwhelmed by the man's personality, Kakashi realized something rather important. "Gai. You're blue."

At this point, the dimensional traveler had already passed the event horizon of freaking out.

All the weird changes had left him simply numb. Frankly, Kakashi was tired of reacting to every difference. At this point, he honestly wouldn't care if Madara burst out of the Hokage Mountain on a unicorn.

While Kakashi was staring into space, wondering about his sanity, Gai had struck Nice Guy Pose #45.

"Of course I am Blue!" he boomed. "I am Konoha's Blue Beast!"

Yeah… no. It had taken Kakashi ten years to become desensitized to the green suit. He wasn't going to go through that terrible process again. Sure, Gai's suit might actually match his _name_ in this dimension, but that really didn't matter. "Come on, Gai."

"Where are we going, Esteemed Rival?" Gai's caterpillar eyebrows mashed together. Was his Rival… _voluntarily_ spending time with him?

Kakashi simply shrugged before taking off across the rooftops. After meandering around Konoha for a bit, he finally found the village's oldest shop. Besides being ancient and excellent in regards to weapons, the shop—simply known as the Shop—was also known for having the worst possible taste in regards to clothing. Obviously, Gai did all his shopping there.

(Until Gai dragged Kakashi along to the Shop for one of the challenges, Kakashi had simply assumed that the bodysuits poofed into existence on Gai-power alone. Sadly, his misconceptions were corrected when Gai challenged him to a jumpsuit-wearing contest. Kakashi immediately forfeited.)

The Shop was run by a deaf old man who had lived through the Warring Clan Era and all three wars. No one really knew how that was possible, but it was generally accepted as a fact of life. Water was wet, fire was hot, and the old man was alive.

Said old man immediately shouted at them, waving his kunai-tipped cane with enthusiasm.

"Gay! Kakapoo! I have a new shipment of shuriken, fresh from the forges!"

"Most Youthful Old Man!" Gai shouted back. "It is an Honor as always!"

"Eh? Didn't Hotaka die?"

Kakashi winced as Gai and the old continued their conversation/shouting match. Soon, the discussion grew loud enough to make firecrackers sound like whispers.

Unable to stand it anymore, Kakashi coughed to get Gai's attention. It was time to put his plan into action. "Gai, why do you wear blue?"

The taijutsu master puffed out his chest, calling attention the suit that looked like the heavens had spewed neon barf all over it. "Because Blue is the most Youthful Color! It is the Hue of the Spring Skies, the very Symbol of Limitlessness!"

"Actually, isn't green the most youthful color? Green is the Color of Spring, and Spring is the most Youthful season, right?" Kakashi immediately grimaced. Gai-speak always made him feel vaguely sick. Regardless, he continued on. "You should wear this suit instead." After some searching, Kakashi found a familiar green tracksuit on the rack. He pointed at it

Gai froze.

Kakashi's hand instantly went to his weapons pouch. Gai being still meant one of two things: enemies or sudden bursts of Youth. Both were equally dangerous.

"Eternal Rival," breathed Gai, "you are right. Green _is_ a youthful color."

_Mission accomplished._

Gai continued to gaze at the suit. "And Blue is youthful as well. As is Red."

Wait... what?

"And Orange and Purple and Yellow! All the Colors in this Amazing World are Youthful!" Gai reached into the clothing racks and pulled out the Most Horrifying Monstrosity Known to Man.

"From this day forth, I shall be known as the RAINBOW BEAST! Thank you, Eternal Rival! I must share my Youthful New Image with the World!"

The newly-dubbed shinobi ran out of the store in a burst of color.

Kakashi stared mutely after him.

Remember that thing he said about crossing the Event Horizon of Strangeness?

_I take it back. I take all of it back. _

Slowly, the Copy Nin closed his eyes.

_What have I done?_

* * *

Minato knew something was wrong.

He hadn't become the Yondaime for his looks, after all. His analytical mind and extraordinary people-skills had served him well as a soldier and even better as the Hokage.

"Kakashi's acting strange."

"You think?" Jiraiya snorted. "You'd have to be blind not to notice."

Troubled, Minato ran his fingers through his hair. "His personality's changed. He's become more… relaxed. He's a bit, well, happier? Not that that's a bad thing, it's just—'"

"Strange and somewhat terrifying?" supplied the Sannin.

"Exactly." Minato's frown deepened. "And Kakashi seems to know… things."

The older man raised an eyebrow. "Things?"

After activating an additional (and rather unnecessary) privacy seal, the Hokage continued. "Things he shouldn't know. Things like… Orochimaru."

Jiraiya inhaled sharply. "He knows?"

"Yes," confirmed Minato. "He asked me if Orochimaru was innocent."

The white-haired man slowly shook his head. "Fucking hell. First he discovers ROOT, then he learns all of Orochimaru's plans, and now…" The Sannin sighed. "I'm getting too old for this shit." He rubbed his temples and grumbled under his breath. "But you have to admit. It's all pretty suspicious."

"I know."

"Have you talked to the Yamanaka yet?"

The Yondaime's eyes narrowed. "No. Why?"

"Well, a mind-probe might—

"I am _not_ subjecting Kakashi to an invasive procedure reserved for traitors and spies!" snapped Minato. "He's been acting strange, but he's done_nothing _wrong. His actions have only helped Konoha!"

The sannin frown grew deeper. "I'm only saying this because I care, Minato. I don't want you to make the same mistake as Hiruzen-sensei."

"Kakashi is _not_ Orochimaru." There was a long pause. "And if—_if_ he was, I would not hesitate to take further action," Minato said quietly. He held his teacher's gaze. "I'll keep an eye on him for now, but I will _not _do anything else without proof."

The toad sage sighed deeply. "Alright." Jiraiya hesitated for a moment, deliberating his next words. "Say, did you teach Kakashi a new sealing style or something?"

Minato blinked at the non-sequitur. "What do you mean?"

"Kakashi was helping me unseal those scrolls, and his style was completely different. I mean, it was damn good, but completely different from what he normally does. It's almost like he… retaught himself or something."

"You're not making sense, sensei."

Jiraiya huffed. "It's like Kakashi forgot half your teachings and replaced it with this weird, unorthodox mishmash. He's using the basic seals in a ridiculous, though effective, way."

Minato stared at the older man. "That's… Oh."

"Yeah."

Minato narrowed his eyes. He was definitely getting to the bottom of this.

* * *

"You too?" asked Genma.

"Yeah." Asuma's fingers twitched towards his carton of cigarettes. "Did we get called for mission?"

"Dunno." Genma chewed on his senbon. "I know Raido's off on special recon or something. Maybe it's related?"

Both the jonin jumped when the door opened.

"MOST ESTEEMED FRIENDS!"

Genma's eyes bugged. Asuma choked on his own breath. The multi-colored Gai simply beamed. "How Youthful to see You!"

The tokubetsu jonin let out a strangled whimper while the Sarutobi shut his eyes as he tried not to hyperventilate.

"What the hell…" said Genma weakly.

"G-Gai. You… you what… that…" Asuma gave up and concentrated on keeping the remaining threads of his sanity.

"I see you have noticed my New Jumpsuit of Springtime!"

Thankfully, before Gai could continue his Oration of Youth, the door opened a second time. The Yondaime strode in, coat flaring. The two Sannin and an ANBU operative followed right after.

"I'm sure you're all wondering—" Minato did a double-take when he noticed the _vibrant _taijutsu master. Valiantly, the Hokage continued, "wondering why I summoned you here."

The ANBU member nearly walked into the wall, the suit blinding him with its pure luminescence. After regaining his bearings, the operative attempted to fade into the background. The masked shinobi finally gave up on stealth and simply stood behind the Hokage while glaring at the oblivious taijutsu master.

Minato tried to ignore both Gai's new uniform and the traumatized expressions on the other's faces. "The matter is of utmost importance." The Hokage's serious words caused the other ninja to become solemn. Well, all the other ninja excluding Tsunade; she still looked like she wanted to punch Gai through the wall.

The Yondaime paused, letting the importance of the situation sink in. "It's about Kakashi," he said quietly. "He's been a bit... different."

There were murmurs of agreement.

"You can say that again," mumbled Genma.

"Even his chakra's changed." Tsunade crossed her arms. "He has one of the worst spiritual imbalances I've ever seen."

The ANBU operative seemed almost desperate to say something, but he simply shifted positions slightly.

"Indeed!" boomed Gai. "My Eternal Rival has become more Youthful! He returned my Friendly Gestures and recommended my Wardrobe Change of Springtime!"

The tokubetsu jonin glanced at Gai and shook his head slowly. "_Kakashi_ recommended that? Fucking goddamn rainbows… _Rainbows._ Was blue not enough?" mumbled Genma. "I'm going to fucking kill him."

Asuma spoke up. "Kakashi actually recommended that I _marry _Kurenai. How the hell did he know? And when did he start caring about relationships?"

"Um… Asuma, it's actually pretty obvious." Genma rolled his eyes.

The other jonin ignored his friend and continued. "And he's acted abnormally strange around Itachi. The atmosphere is beyond awkward. It's almost… as if…" Asuma trailed off and frowned.

"Yes…" mused Minato. "His attitude towards Itachi has certainly become different. Perhaps there's a problem in their relationship."

Genma pursed his lips. Kakashi _had_ been acting strange around Itachi. He kept avoiding the Uchiha heiress, even though they were supposed to be dating. Everyone knew of Kakashi's commitment issues, but the Copy Nin's sudden cold feet made no sense unless something drastic like... Suddenly Genma's eyes widened, and his senbon clattered to the floor. Everyone turned to look at the tokubetsu jonin. "Holy shit," he breathed. "Is Itachi pregnant?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, utter pandemonium.

* * *

Kakashi had a stalker.

Granted, his stalker was a very good one. Annoying, but very good.

Despite being a fairly good sensor, Kakashi couldn't sense his mysterious follower at all. In fact, the only reason he knew he _had_ a stalker was because of pure luck and a good nose.

"I know you're there."

Silence.

Kakashi sighed. "I'm a tracker. I know when someone's following me."

After a few minutes, the leaves rustled. Suddenly, the stalker appeared before him.

"Hatake-senpai," greeted the Uchiha heiress.

Kakashi blinked once. That was unexpected. "With all due respect… why the hell are you stalking me?"

Itachi's expression didn't change. "I was not stalking you. It was simply a coincidence."

He raised an eyebrow. "It's simply a coincidence that we ran into each other in an abandoned field on the outskirts of Konoha?"

The slightest hesitation. "Yes."

He stared at her. She stared back.

"Alright then." Kakashi turned away. "Now, if you'll excuse me—"

"Hatake-senpai! Stop running away!" Itachi raised her voice in anger. Kakashi stopped dead in his tracks.

He paused, and then faced her again. "What do you mean?" he asked warily.

"I am not blind," she snapped. "I know that you are avoiding me." Itachi quickly regained her composure, the placid mask settling once more on her face. "That was very unbecoming. Please forgive me."

A few seconds passed.

Suddenly, Itachi bowed. "I am sorry," she said again.

Kakashi resisted the urge to laugh as hysteria colored his thoughts. Itachi was apologizing. Itachi was apologizing _to him._ What the fuck?

"Uh… why are you apologizing?"

"I seem to have offended you. I do not know how, but I wish to remedy the situation. I consider you to be not only my former superior, but also an acquaintance. Perhaps even a friend. Please let me know if I have done anything wrong."

Oh. Well, that made sense. Kakashi, oddly enough, felt vaguely guilty. Itachi's abomination-status wasn't entirely _her _fault.

"It's not you," he said. "It's me." _Ugh, this would sound so strange out of context. Almost like a break-up scene. _He shuddered at the thought.

Itachi shot him a skeptical look.

"Really!" he hurriedly added. "It's not that I dislike you or anything… I just don't want to talk to you. Or be around you. Or have anything to do with you."

Dammit! There it was again—that flash of hurt on Itachi's face. Ugh, why did this world's Itachi have _feelings?_

Her eyes narrowed. "Fine."

Kakashi was about to breathe a sigh of relief.

"On one condition."

He immediately tensed, becoming wary again. "What is it?"

"Spar with me."

Kakashi frowned, confused and even more suspicious. "Spar? Why?"

"Do I need a reason?" asked Itachi, arching a brow. Her expression was a bit too innocent to actually be innocent.

The dimensional traveler blinked. "Yes. Yes, you do need a reason." Kakashi didn't think for one second that Itachi was doing this for _fun_. Behind this was some diabolical plot. He was sure of it.

Itachi simply ignored him. "Standard spar rules." She gracefully shifted stances, holding one hand in front of her.

"Just a spar?" His suspicion increased. "Nothing else?"

Itachi tilted her head. "Of course not. Why would you think that?" _Yeah, innocence really doesn't suit Itachi. Not even a little bit._

Kakashi adjusted his footing slightly, simply to telegraph his acceptance. He raised his hitai-ate, exposing the borrowed Sharingan. "I agree to the conditions of the spar."

Itachi's dark eyes turned red. Silently, they both made the seal of confrontation.

The Uchiha moved first, tossing shuriken in a perfect arc. Kakashi dodged and sent a few kunai of his own to test the waters. With blinding speed, Itachi twisted and spun in a kick, forcing the other jonin back.

Kakashi's hand twitched with the urge to activate his raikiri. _Shit._ He ruthlessly suppressed it and instead retaliated with a simple fire jutsu. Logically, he knew that this Itachi wasn't trying to kill or even maim him, but Kakashi's instincts screamed for him to skewer the girl.

Old habits were hard to break.

The air crackled with heat as bright flames billowed around the two ninja. Itachi's hands blurred as she summoned an inferno of her own, redirecting the dissipating flames away. The world distorted as she dashed forward, kunai in hand.

Kakashi's sharingan spun as it tried to break through the genjutsu. His vision shifted slightly, but the world remained twisted and off balance. _Clever, _he thought dimly. _The genjutsu probably focuses less on the visual cortex and more on the cerebellum._

He sent a surge of chakra through his pathways, breaking the illusion. Kakashi used his keen sense of smell to compensate as he reoriented himself. Following the distinct scent of spice and embers, Kakashi sent a crackle of lightning towards the kunoichi.

Itachi dodged and created a wave of fire, setting the surrounding foliage ablaze. She vanished in the swirling smoke and ashes. The scent of burning leaves filled the air, overpowering his senses.

Kakashi simply waited, tense as a taut wire.

Suddenly, a web of chakra entangled his senses. He dispelled the second genjutsu and turned, blocking the blow. Kunai clashed against kunai. Sparks flashed as the metal made contact. The battle abruptly shifted into a taijutsu one, and the two engaged in a dance of weapons and fists.

Kakashi avoided the whirlwind of blows, sharingan working in overdrive. Itachi weaved in and out, lethal elegance displayed in every movement.

Kakashi felt his sharingan instinctively change shape as adrenaline coursed through his veins. _Fuck!_ He clamped down on the flow of chakra, keeping the eye in its three tomoe form. _That was way too close. _

Seizing advantage of his momentary distraction, Itachi leaped in for the kill. _Not for the kill! She isn't trying to kill you, remember? And you aren't supposed to kill her!_

His eyes narrowed. He recognized this move—it had been used on him before. Kakashi twisted out of the way, using the flat of his blade to trap his opponent's own weapon. He could easily end it now.

Crimson eyes stared into a mismatched pair.

Slowly, deliberately, Kakashi disengaged from the deadlock. He tossed his kunai onto the floor. "I yield." The spar had gone on for far too long.

Itachi's eyes abruptly turned black, widening with surprise.

Kakashi held out his hand for the seal of reconciliation. Itachi hesitantly returned the gesture. She briefly touched her fingers to his.

Kakashi turned away and vanished.

Slowly, Itachi bent down and picked up the discarded weapon. She examined it and frowned.

* * *

"How could you do that to Itachi?" Genma shook his head. "I thought you were smarter than that."

Kakashi looked up from his book. "What did I do to Itachi?" He frowned as he searched his memory for the perceived offense. He'd been secluded in his tree all day since the spar… oh, right. "You mean the spar? But I didn't even hurt her. It was her idea, anyway."

Genma scoffed. "So that's what they're calling it these days, huh?" He rolled his eyes. "I'm not saying you _hurt_ her… but would it have killed you to use protection? Man, Fugaku's going to go crazy. How the hell are you going to get out of this one?"

"We were careful." Kakashi looked at his friend with bemusement. "Itachi and I are jonin, you know."

"Apparently, even geniuses have accidents." Genma peered at his friend. "You know, you don't seem that bothered about this."

"Why would I be?" Seriously, why was Genma so hung up over sparring safety?

The tokubetsu jonin sighed deeply. "You're handling it better than I thought." His friend patted him on the shoulder. "Good luck. You'll need it."

* * *

Itachi stared at her mother.

"You do not know how surprised I am, Itachi. I did not expect this from you." Mikoto looked calmly at her daughter. "You always seemed so responsible… but I suppose that the quiet ones are the most rebellious."

Itachi simply blinked.

"I'm so excited!" squealed the matriarch. "To be honest, I never thought I would become a grandmother because of you. Well, maybe Sasuke, but you? You always seemed too focused on your kunoichi duties to notice anything else." Mikoto winked. "You have better taste than I expected! If he looks anything like his father, then you are a lucky girl indeed."

Itachi opened her mouth to ask her mother what she was talking about, but the older woman simply continued talking. "I wonder how the kids will look like! So many combinations, so many possibilities!"

Mikoto noticed her daughter's blank face and smiled sympathetically. "A bit overwhelmed? That's alright. I'm here for you." She enveloped her eldest child in a hug. "Don't worry about the elders. I'll convince them for you." Mikoto giggled. "You were conceived before my marriage as well. It led to the fanciest shotgun marriage in Uchiha history. Like mother like daughter, I suppose."

Itachi drew back from the hug and walked out of the room. Perhaps her father would know what was going on. As she approached the clan head's quarters, she could hear the unmistakable sound of metal rubbing against a whetstone. Itachi decided against asking him. Her father hated interruptions when he was sharpening his weapons.

The dawning of understanding was quickly stomped out by fierce denial. Surely, no one could be that stupid. Nobody could believe that. Right? Thought forgotten, Itachi headed out of the compound. Perhaps she could convince the Hokage to assign her a mission.

* * *

Minato slammed his head against his desk. Why did his former student have to cause him so much trouble? Who knew Kakashi could be so careless! Sure, Minato had suggested (and secretly rooted for) the relationship, but he hadn't expected Kakashi to move so quickly!

Minato groaned as he massaged his forehead. The situation was made worse by one simple fact; graduation day was tomorrow. When Fugaku found out that Kakashi was going to be teaching his younger son… well, Minato wouldn't be surprised if the Uchiha started a coup.

* * *

**OMAKE/EXTRA: **_Oh, Tenzo. You're so... Tenzo._

Tenzo rubbed his eyes. ANBU had been working nonstop since ROOT had been uncovered. Who knew that Danzo had been running an illegal army right under their noses? Tenzo grimaced when he considered that, had it not been for Yondaime's interference, he could have been one of those emotionless drones. Suddenly, Tenzo became very glad that the Hokage had insisted on him attending the Academy before entering ANBU.

"I am reporting for duty, sir."

Tenzo tensed and turned to see… an extremely short ANBU operative? "What?"

The agent pulled the porcelain mask to the side, revealing a young child who could be no more than twelve. Hadn't the Yondaime raised the ANBU enrollment age to sixteen? So why—

Wordlessly, the kid handed him a scroll. Tenzo skimmed it and froze.

"I hope to get along," said the kid, robotically. "My code name is Sai." He gave the most emotionless and creepy smile Tenzo had seen in ages.

Weakly, Tenzo smiled back. "I guess you're my apprentice?" He glanced back down at the scroll. Temporary suspension from ANBU to babysit the ROOT kid? Tenzo vowed to murder whoever had come up with this idea. "I'm Tenzo. Nice to meet you."

Sai signed his acknowledgement.

An awkward silence settled. Incredibly uncomfortable, Tenzo almost squirmed. The kid was simply standing there, staring at him. "So," said Tenzo, frantic to start a conversation, "can you tell me about yourself?"

Sai blinked. "I am a shinobi." A small pause. "I can make paintings come to life."

"Oh. Great." Tenzo rubbed the back of his head. "Um… I can control trees."

Sai continued staring at him.

"Want to get something to eat?"asked Tenzo desperately.

The kid nodded. "If you wish."

And so, Sai was introduced to the incredible food known as dango. From then onwards, his life was never the same.

* * *

**AN: **This chapter _finally _had Gai. Yes. Rainbow Gai. (I'm so sorry...)

You all are amazing. Over 100 reviews, 20,000 views, 400 favorites, and 500 follows. I'm in utter awe right now.

The incredible **Duesal Bladesinger **has agreed to be my beta. He's an awesome writer, and all his stories are epic. Much thanks to him! Without his help, this chapter would me much worse.

Thanks to the brilliant **Igornerd** for recommending this story in the hilarious _**Drunken Space-Time Ninjutsu. **_Seriously, check it out! It's possibly the funniest time-travel story I've read. Also, shout out to the wonderful **PyrothTenka **for recommending this as well! Her story _**Minato's: The Art of Being Dead **_is really funny and definitely worth a read.

I've switched to private replies/messaging for review replies. This way, I'll be able to respond to each comment.

The next chapter marks the start of canon! Finally, Team 7 will be reunited! As always, comments, criticisms, and concerns are welcome.


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